Nicknames

Nicknames are always fascinating, especially bad ones that you would not normally associate with the people who own them. I am going to take a step back from my usual bantering to tell you a couple of real stories, which will explain why I think nicknames are cool.

Nicknames can be acquired through action/inaction, or just similarity to a name. I personally find nicknames through actions the funniest.

Take a certain friend of mine who has been affectionately dubbed "69". He isn't 69 years old, nor is his average test score 69. He doesn't have 69 dollars in the bank, and he doesn't live at 69 Woody st Poleville. He is just a 'normal' guy, who thought the best way to hit on a girl was to send her a love letter from "steve69cai@yahoo.com". I don't think it takes a genius to work out that he wanted to jump straight to fourth base. Unfortunately for him, his efforts were unsuccessful, but it did earn him an immortal name - namely "69".

Another friend of mine was addicted to egg sandwiches, and as a result was prone to severe flatulence. As a result, he was renamed "Windsor".

Some people do not voluntarily earn a nickname, and do so through no action of their own. Take, for instance, Christine Tran, who was codenamed "CT" in order to prevent others knowing that she was the subject of a conversation. She was not supposed to learn of her nickname, but once she did, it stuck like bubblegum to the back of my new cargo pants.

Then there are people who earn nicknames because they long to be different. Take my friend "sanchez", a spanish speaking mexican, who wants nothing more than to eat an enchillada and wear a sombrero, hence the nickname.

Finally, love does bring other names. Take for instance, Jennifer Kuo, who, upon meeting her soulmate, Patrick Reeder, prefered to call herself "Pat" or "Jennifer Reeder". Talk about committment.

Oh yeah, and how can you forget about random people you don't know, like Mole man (Enrique Iglesias) or Backstreet Boy (Justin Timberlake).

Overall, nicknames are cool.

-nicknames are cooler than a tomato in a freezer

Enrique Iglesias has a giant mole on his face

Am I the only one who has noticed the second head Enrique has growing out of his right cheek? Its a huge disgusting discolouration which he hides by permanently looking to his right. It is a big mole and I know its there - so why does he try to hide it?

He has really only got two options:

1. Be proud of his mole because it is there to stay
2. Get it surgically removed

I don't see why he stays in this limbo of indecisiveness. So you've got a giant mole on your face, either get over it or do something about it. People aren't going to believe that its a fly forever. One day you'll find that your kleenex soap doesn't scrub it off. Mate - Its a giant mole, and its not going away.

Lets face it, the mole is not the best thing for the eyes, but its there. I may not be a fan of your singing, in fact, I think it sux, but some people like it and its those people you are letting down by not admitting you have a mole.

Its like farting in a lift when you are there with only one other person. It doesn't matter how good at lying you are, they'll know it was you. People know if gas comes out of their ass, just as people know there is a big black spot on your face.

Be a man. Just because you have a high pitched voice, doesn't mean you can pass off as a woman with a beauty spot either. I am on to you and your dodgy plan.



-Enrique has a big mole on his face

Even more dodgy TV

Am I the only one who finds shows like "Lizzie McGuire" and "SClub7" stupid? I noticed that both these shows did nothing other than promote some new singers songs. I don't want to watch a movie about how someone writes a song which then becomes popular. Its just a cheap gimmick to make people pay to watch a 3 hour advertisement about someone's new album.

The Lizzie McGuire movie and TV show are just there to promote that girl who sings the 'so yesterday' song, and SClub7 is just there to promote SClub7. Its funny how somehow this is always linked back to some crime which happens in a high school nobody cares about and how these people manage to solve it. After watching these shows, I know that if anyone ever steals my bubblegum, the local year 7 detective is the one to go to. These shows suck.

The other day I paid $9.50 to watch Billie from neighbours sing in a dodgy teen flick which probably exists only to launch his film career. What a rort. Generally films are overwhelmingly bad and so they need to supplement the lack of revenue from ticket sales with their crappy soundtrack.

Oprah Winfrey keeps trying to flog off her face care products. The whole show is just an excuse to market her book.

-people who watch midday tv are propping up bad tv shows

Critical fan mail

There were clearly some people confused over my last post. I have had the usual spate of uneducated replies, but here are the more interesting ones (and have been shortened if too long):


Date: Tue, 25 Nov 2003 21:31:55 +1100
From: Rehana
To: Gulfam Ahmed

Subject: Soapies

...

Anyway, I'd just like to point out some of the ERRORS (unlike Phil, I have a
shift key) that you made with regards to the soapies. Firstly, GREG Cooper
was a MECHANIC who later came back as Karl Kennedy the doctor, who also
conveniently revealed that he was adopted, about the time Tad found out at
was distressed about the fact that Toadie was not his real cousin (as Tad,
too was adopted). Secondly, I'm the one who came up with the 7th Heaven and
"everything equals to seven" discovery. Also, I thought it may interest you
to know the following facts about soapies:
- If someone goes on a trip around the world, or a honeymoon, it is unlikely
that they will ever come back ( as in the case of Amy and Marlene from
neighbours).
-In terms of problems, gambling and alcohol addictions are the best way to
go, as you can introduce new characters through "alcoholics and gamblers
anon. programs". This also allows you to create characters with "hidden
pasts", or simply destroy cuurent characters as they fail to follow the
12-step program (Bailey from party of five, Lance and Karl from neighbours).
-an "affair" is a term that can be used loosely - a "meaningful glance"
across the room is grounds enough to accuse someone of marital infidelity,
as is accidental hand touching with another non-spouse character.
-Characters, who are in their 40's or 50's, can be made to look like they
are in their 20's, simply by combing their hair forwards or gicing them
unnatural curls (Ivy and Sam, Passions).

...

You clearly have a big interest in daytime TV, most likely because you have nothing better to do, I don't watch these shows regularly and I don't care what happens on them. You are like one of those star trek critics. Understand that nobody cares about star trek or neighbours or any other dodgy TV show.

You probably voted on Australian Idol too.


Date: Wed, 26 Nov 2003 23:49:40 +1100
From: Jennifer Kuo
To: Gulfam Ahmed

Subject: [No Subject]

hey gulfam,

it amuses me when you claim that you don't like these shows...and yet you seem
to be quite familiar with both the characters and the storylines.....truely
bewilders the mind wouldn't you say?

jen xo



If you refer to the email above, you'll realise that clearly I don't care about these shows, but I do know they are crap and dodgy. I am sorry to you for disturbing your daytime "I watch bold and the beautiful" equilibrum by commenting on your favourite TV shows. Just be grateful I haven't started yet on your idol, Oprah Winfrey, and her "buy my product" TV show.

I would also ask you to stop using Phil's keyboard, because clearly you also have a broken SHIFT or CAPS LOCK key.

-as a general rule, if anything you say is contrary to what I have written, then you are wrong. If it is some minor factual error, you are missing the point and should go back to reading "the marvellous adventures of winnie the pooh".

Cheap soapies

Cheap soapies are a source of amusement for all, with bad acting and perhaps even cheap and fudgy electrical equipment and cameras. Look no further for an example than "neighbours". Here the same guy plays two characters concurrently, meaning they only need to pay one guy for the value of two people. They did this with the characters of "billy" and "lance". That is cheap.

In a more recent episode they intended for there to be a car crash so they bought a really cheap car (with the expensive one having mysteriously 'broken down'). Great way to save money. Along with that they have their "mysterious trips" where people disappear overseas for protracted periods of time only to come back randomly (if at all) some time in the future. Once a plumber named George Cooper left to return as a doctor named Karl Kennedy.

Passions is another show that is dodgy. I've never seen someone's whole body and mannerisms change overnight like in this show. They replaced such characters as Gwen and Kay with someone else hoping nobody would notice. The least they could do is find someone similar looking, but no, it has to be someone completely different. How stupid are the people who make/watch these shows?

Somehow they have brought magical powers into this show. Its supposed to be realistic. It is also disturbing how decendants look exactly the same as their ancestors... so a husband and wife end up with the same decendants who look exactly like them... I don't want to know what happened there.

Then there is 7th heaven. A show which is only amusing because it tries to hard to maintain a connection with the number 7. They are a family of 5 kids and 2 adults who then had twins so they'd have 7 kids.

Then one kid left so they imported a random guy to live with them = 7. Then they lost another kid so they made the dog a main character = 7.
Then two kids came back and all of a sudden the dog was out of the picture and the random guy was paying rent (and no longer a part of the family in that sense) = 7.

All of these shows have one thing in common - they are cheap, and their entertainment comes not from their plot, but their ludicrous attempt at covering their ass.

-soapies are cheaper than soap at a $2 shop

Men with long hair look like women

I don't understand why some men feel this urge to look female by growing their hair long and tying it back with an elastic band. They prance around pretending to be male while making everyone think they are female. Some of these people cut it pretty close between being a female looking guy or a male looking female.

Having long hair certainly does not make you look like a real man. It does not make you look strong and commanding. It makes you look weak and pathetic just like Fabio. Long hair is not the way to go. If you are a guy with long hair you should really visit a friend of mine named "The hair cutting guy near the station". They cut hair for $5.50.

Long hair is for women, and regardless of how much you try to make yourself a man you won't look like one. If you build up in the gym people will think you are either female or gay.

-Long hair encourages nits.

I am disgusted

Its not unusual for me to attack foolish people and their actions on my site, but today I saw something that disgusted me so much I must make an example of this person and show the world what is "good" and what is "bad".

Phillip Chin today urinated in a biscuit tin, and whats worse is that the tin was full of brand new biscuits and freshly baked cookies. This was an unprovoked attack on good foodstuffs, and I say that when so many people are unable to get food on a daily basis, it is highly inappropriate to waste it if you are fortunate enough to have some. This is even more so the case when you can actually afford to have a choice in what you eat.

Frankly, that meant that those biscuits were inedible and that tin had to be thrown away. That is also a perfectly good tin which is now useless. We can't reuse that tin anymore and will need a new tin. Phillip doesn't realise that some people don't have tins and can't afford them, and that he just wasted a tin.

Not only was what he did vile and repugnant, it was wasteful. Nobody benefited from his actions aside of himself and his bladder.

Shame on you Phillip Chin, Shame.

-repulsive people disgust me

Note: This story is hypothetical, and may not depict real events.

Fan mail

I checked my email today to be inundated again by a mass of fan mail, and I will take out the better ones to put on the site. I want you all to know that just because you write to me, it doesn't make you cool by association.

Here are some of the more amusing ones:

-----Original Message-----
From: Phil [mailto:ckphil@optusnet.com.au]
Sent: Wednesday, November 12, 2003 11:14 PM
To: Gulfam Ahmed
Subject:


there are some things i need to tell you
u are not cool
use soap and water whn taking a shower
you do not have a good reputation like me
you smell like a toilet


Phil, you better get your CAPS LOCK key and your SHIFT key fixed. You obviously have a broken keyboard because those buttons don't seem to be working.

You should learn how to spell "when".

You may say I smell like a toilet, but at least I wasn't born in one.

Learn how to use your keyboard before you inflict pain on the world by using it again to email somebody.


-----Original Message-----
From: Susan D [mailto:beatlesmurf@yahoo.com.au]
Sent: Friday, November 14, 2003 10:46 PM
To: Gulfam Ahmed
Subject: jewellery and piercings


i hate outlook and have no idea how it works.
 
i have pierced ears (true, i wear no earrings but that's because i'm lazy and cheap) and i am UBERCOOL.
 
next time i see you i'm going to wear fat gold rings and massive chunky-arsed necklaces and even toerings. i wish i had a tongue piercing just so i could annoy you. hahahahaa.
 
you're so 'unctuous'. ( www.emotioneric.com) heeheehee.


To use Microsoft Outlook, type your message, and click a button called "send". That's all you need to do.

-People email me in the hope they can be made cool

Nobody likes Rugby

I don't think many people are into rugby union. Its on TV nowadays but I have no idea whats going on because, well, quite frankly, its boring and nobody watches it. They pull in small crowds and nobody knows how to play the sport.

I'll give you rugby union in a nutshell for those who don't know - all you do is:

a) kick the ball to the other end of the ground
b) stack on anyone holding the ball and make sure they get squashed more than your foot under a car tyre.

Thats rugby for you. Nothing happens, and everybody falls asleep. If I want to see someone get squashed I'd rather watch sumo wrestling. Now that is an interesting sport.

-rugby is boring and nobody watches it

Themed parties

I hate themed parties. I don't see why anyone would want to "dress up" as anything - well with the exception of girls anyway. I have been invited to two themed parties which are both the same, and both of which are causing me grief.

One is a "p" party, which means you dress up as something that starts with "p". Thats pretty simple for me, and you'll notice all the guys (who are straight) rush to dress up as "plebs" or "pro golfers" or "professional bums" and so on. Just when you think you have it all sorted out, someone comes to you and forces you to be a prawn. Thats right, I have been told I must dress up as a prawn. Where am I going to get a prawn outfit from and why would I wear it? I eat prawns, I don't wear them. Girls wear food - guys don't.

One guy got away with being a pinochio. I would love to be pinochio. I can't believe I didn't take that one. Everyone is a pixie or a pirate or something, and I, probably the least willing to dress up, have been given the hardest and most ridiculous costume.

The other one is a "c" party, and I was volunteered to dress up as a "crab". Why do I remind people of the ocean? I don't like the ocean. The ocean is where people dump their sewage, I do not want to be a part of that so I stay away. That's right, I do not want to go near the sea. The sea is taking its revenge against me through the women of the world by forcing me to embrace it by becoming its creatures.

I have been forced to become a sea creature. I do not want to dress up as a prawn, a crab or anything similar. I want to be a "pleb" or a "citizen".

These parties are terrible, and the sadistic minds behind them have nothing better to do. Its like the adult version of "dress ups". I can't believe people are so stupid as to want to dress up as something else. Why can't they be happy as they are? Parties are awkward as they are, and having an antenna in my drink is not going to make it any easier.

-dress up parties are a conspiracy to make cool people temporarily uncool

The airconditioner conspiracy

Its not unusual for companies which sell electronic goods to design them with "time flaws". This basically means they stop working the minute your warranty expires, meaning you either have to pay a lot to repair it, or you have to buy a new one. Thats how it works - thats how you transfer money from the pocket of impovershed individuals such as myself, and into those deep pockets of huge multinationals. Its called income "redistribution" whereby the poor people cannot possibly know how to spend their money, so they are cheated out of it by richer people.

I would like to draw a distinction between this type of money laundering, and Australian Idol voters. Australian Idol voters voluntarily transfer money they don't have from their pockets and into the pockets of a rich television network. People like that shouldn't be able to borrow money. I can't believe people vote on Australian Idol more than once.

Anyway, last summer at around this time we bought an airconditioner, which then doubled up as a heater in winter. It was all good, however, now that one year has elapsed, and summer has reached its uncomfortable peak (I fried my breakfast egg on my car bonnet this morning), my aircon no longer works. This is obviously a deliberate strategy to get people like myself so desperate that they either:

a) Pay heaps to fix it
b) Buy a new one

Last time the fools from whatever aircon company I got my airconditioner from came, they did something stupid and as a consequence the fan in one of the bathrooms doesn't work. That means that as a net result of getting the airconditioner, my house has gotten hotter.

I can't believe that people would deliberately engineer something so stupid. Why don't these people bend their minds to making something better so people buy it anyway? These people should be working out how to place dogshit on people's frontyards to cause "maximum distress".

The next time I see the aircon guy, I will crush him like a paper stick under my left boot, and dent his car like a boot mark on a pancake.

I don't understand why they don't just put a tap on my bank account and fritter away all my money before I use it.. oh wait, the bank already does that.

-rip offs should be confined to australian idol voters

Eating steak does not make you a man

I have a qualm with those boys who think they are a man just by regularly eating steak. I say to them that there is nothing man-ly about it and nobody cares. The fact that you are eating from a cow which has been grown in captivity and killed by somebody else does not make you strong. It just means you eat meat. Big woop.

I would have a lot of respect for someone who was actually a hunter who acquired his own meat, but these people who just flog themselves off as cool when clearly they are not are just little boys at best. Newsflash: anyone can get meat from coles, it is not a big deal.

Whats worse is some people even boast about eating steak, or how good they are for eating it, or how they like eating it regularly - I don't care about you or your piece of processed meat. Get lost. In fact, nobody cares that you can eat a piece of meat. Just because you like meat, it doesn't mean you are the next Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I have one thing to say, and that is even if you eat meat it doesn't make you cool. You will never be as cool as me by just eating beef.

-anybody can buy meat from a butcher

bracelets and necklaces

What compels people to put a heavy metal chain around their neck, or stick an annoying elastic band around their wrist? I can understand people wearing a watch because it is useful and tells the time, but what is the story with necklaces and bracelets?

I do not understand to today why anyone would bother wearing those. They don't do anything other than make an annoying sound, leave you with an indentation on your skin, and bog you down. Your necklace might be the difference between drowning and floating if there is a sudden freak flood.

Nobody cares about jewellery. Few people wear it, and those that do try to hide their shame. To me, its a simiple case of not putting it on, but if you need to have something dangling off your neck much like your double chin dangles off your face, then go for it. You must be weird.

I was once asked to guess the price of someone's bracelet. I didn't want to be rude so I said "must be some three digit number". It was a bracelet from some place called Tiffany's. It was closer to a five digit number. I almost had a heart attack (despite my youth and excellent health) and fell off the chair I was sitting on onto an uncompromisingly hard marble floor. It was like swallowing a cow - it was about as bad as a hearing a cat being dragged through my neighbour's blender.

The other day I saw a necklace on the ground and I fed it to my neighbours dog. It was subsequently turned into crap - revealing its true form.

-jewellery is uncool and archaic.

Ear Piercing

Piercing of any kind is barbaric. I don't understand why someone would volunteer to have a metal rod shoved violently through their skin and kept there for the rest of their life. It is, quite frankly, disgusting.

Some people even go so far as to pierce the rest of their bodies. Why do you want a ring in your tongue or on your lip? The tongue is probably the worst place because:

a. Nobody sees it
b. It hurts
c. It makes digestion of heavy food stuffs near impossible.

In short, it is a bad idea.

What's even more ironic is the same person who is afraid of a mouse, moth of any other living creature is more likely to want to get this done to them. Do they think its cool to have a hole where one isn't supposed to be? It is not, of that I can assure you.

Ear piercing is a disgusting habit practised by Apes in the sub-saharan African Jungle. Some humans have adopted this practise in the hope of alienating themselves as some sort of monster. It worked.

-even necklaces and bracelets aren't as bad as piercing.

Fan mail

I have already received fan mail and comments by people begging to be linked in some way to my site. Its called coolness by association. I'll put up your comments and submissions if they are good enough, and so far there are only two of them that are (of the multitudes I have received). These are:

Jennifer Kuo (Jennifer.kuo@student.unsw.edu.au)

A lot of my male friends (especially Dr. G) often express their disgust towards the amount of money I spend for my haircuts - hello?! Jacques spends around $250 everytime she is at the hairdressers and no one seems to be on her back about it!!!

All that tells me is that Jacques is an idiot. If you followed me as religiously as you followed her you'd be paying much less. Tell Jacques that I can get 50 haircuts for every one haircut she gets.


Now Dr. G may believe that his $5.50 haircut is pure class and that people are always complimenting on how fabulous his haircut looks - And I am just here to tell everyone that it is a fact that "You Get What You Pay For" and I have yet to witness a compliment to Dr. G for his haircut.


If you hung around the cool group (namely mine), then you would hear many such comments. But so long as you are with your "cool wannabes" you will never know. You will continue to pay $250 for a crap haircut and hope that people ask you about it so you can boast how much you spend. Newsflash: Expensive haircuts do not make you cool. They make you look silly.

Susan Duc (beatlesmurf@yahoo.com.au)

Has drawn a self portrait and wants me to put it up on my site. Its the funniest self portrait I have ever seen. Have a look:



Susan, it takes a lot to draw an honest picture of yourself. Respect.

-I forward all sub-standard fan mail to Bill Clinton

Expensive Haircuts

My haircuts cost me a mere $5.50 and are probably one of the more classy haircuts around. The trick to getting a haircut is simple: Exploration skills and wit. You need to find a good place, and you need to have the skills to ensure your haircut is all class. Just follow my lead and get a decent haircut.

I was recently told by a friend that they would pay $5.00 to cut their fringe. I said, "I know a place where you can get the rest of your hair done of 50 cents!". I don't know why women pay so much to cut their hair. $30 to get your hair shampooed is strange considering the ENTIRE bottle of shampoo costs less.

So why pay for it? Rule 1: Wash your hair yourself.

People are always coming up to me and saying "wow, what a great haircut" and "you look cool" but I am still unsure as to whether it is the fact that I have that haircut which makes it cool, or whether the haircut is cool by itself. After all, I do set the trend.

I have a friend who got a cheap haircut and it looked like he's been attacked by his neighbour's lawnmower, and shortly after a bird decided to adopt his head as a nest. That was seriously uncool especially after the bird crapped on his brand new Tshirt from Lowes.

Rule 2: Direct the haircut person.

Tell them what you want in a haircut. There is a simple reason for this, they cannot read your mind and they do not know what to do. Just because they have a pair of scissors and a robe doesn't mean that they are picasso with the hair.

Go out there and get a good haircut.

-I have a good haircut, feel free to copy me.

Cars

I've always wanted to drive the crappest car possible to uni. I figure if I have a Jemini or anything that resembles a cardboard box with a lawnmower engine, I have supreme dominance over the road. If my car gets smashed or crashed into I won't care - furthermore, I won't have to fix it, I can just ditch it like the banana peel off a banana.

I could park the car anywhere, and if someone stole it, I wouldn't care. Heck, if someone stole it I'd be laughing because they'd probably be pushing the car rather than driving it! I also have a "different" way of parking the car. When I get into a tight space, I use the car in front of me and the car behind me to the maximum advantage - With a good car I would lose that benefit.

Why do people bother buying expensive cars? I don't think they are worth the effort. I think any old bomb will do. I think rich people should buy crap cars so they can park it anywhere and if it gets towed away buy another one because the new car will cost less than the towage.

Some people have a morbid fascination for cars. These people obviously have no life. Cars are boring - much akin to a bedpost.

-people with crap cars rule

Please flush your toilets and/or clean them

Public toilets are renowned for being as dirty as phillip chin, and there is a simple reason for it - they are. Public toilets are filthy because people do not flush them or clean them. Even home toilets can be filthy if you are sharing your apartment with someone.

I used to live with 2 other people, one who was clean, the other who was dirty. The dirty guy, kept leaving crap trails on the toilet bowl because his ass couldn't aim into the bowl. This was grotty and made me want to use a public toilet instead. Often I would treck out to somewhere else to relieve myself.

Then someone discovered the toilet brush. Its a great invention but Dr Radar didn't use it. Inventions and discoveries are great, but underutilised. I would have thought it would be a simple case of scrubbing off the discolouration, but to this guy it was probably as complex as working out how to set the clock on a VCR since he didn't do it.

Then we come to public toilets. People seem to think that they have automatic flushes. I regret to inform you that they do not - or not most of them anyway. Toilet bowls aren't brown and the water is certainly not supposed to be yellow, so please flush after use.

Once someone tried to leave me an unflushed toilet, and I ended up crushing him like a paper cup under my left hand. He was fearsome of my mighty strength, but even more fearful of my knowledge which told him that his actions were about as appealing as a bootmark in a pancake.

- dirty toilets are uncool

Good fashion sense

I just realised that jeans are uncool. Nobody wears jeans and new safety laws mean there isn't enough roadkill to get the material to make them. I only know one person who wears jeans.

I believe that the way forward is through pants, or chinos. This is top quality attire that makes you:

a) look cool
b) feel cool

I sympathise with those who are too poor to afford pants and are wearing denim instead, and believe that a charity should be founded to help these people buy better clothes. There will always be people stuck in time limbo who will not know about the latest trend, and for these people there should be an educational institute. As such I am hereby founding the "denim is not cool" institute which will help poor people buy better clothes, and educate the public about why denim is no longer cool.

The head of Denim Australia once said "Denim is worn by people who expect to roll in the mud and don't want their good clothes to get dirty". I agree. This is why this person is the head, because he is smart, just like me. You know if you are smart if you agree with me, if you disagree then obviously you are lacking a few too many braincells.

However, I can happily say that denim is being phased out. Denim wearers are about as rare as a 5 leaf clover and have as much common sense as a square with 6 sides. I've learnt many things in my long and wise life to date, and this is certainly step one to being cool.

So I say to you all, get rid of your jeans as much as they sound about as good as a cat in a blender. Wear pants or chinos and be cool like me.

-Statistics show that nobody important likes denim

Good cartoons

I love cartoons. Cartoons are cool. There are a few cartoons in particular worth a special mention. These are:

- Aqua Teen Hungerforce - probably the most original and funny thing I have ever seen. I can't believe they don't show it more often. I have only watched 5 episodes and those have been a delight to watch. People who watch this show are cool, almost as cool as me.

- Mission Hill - I can't relate to any of these people as they are nerdy or unpopular, but I can say that this show is very very funny and I would recommend anyone to watch it. It is a show like this that makes cartoons great.

- Samurai Jack - This show is all action and class. I still remember sitting in the studio teaching people how to draw. I put explained all the moves to the cartoonists by way of demonstration and managed to punch a hole through the wall.

These are top class cartoons that all should watch. If you don't agree with me, you are wrong.

-People who don't agree with me are always wrong

Why Australian idol is shit

Australian Idol is perhaps the worst show I have ever seen. I've watched Survivor and various other "reality shows" which exploit ordinary people for profit in exchange for cheap fame. These shows are basically a means of assembling the otherwise moronic to make economically profitable outcomes. Thats why you see fat people on big brother - they are lulled there with the promise of food, while the producers sit back and rake in a lot of money. Survivor brought flea infected starving bums onto an island and proceeded to kick people off Lord of the Flies style. What kind of idiot goes on an island? It must be someone who doesn't have anything better to do.

The mistake they make is bringing them back. Once you've managed to convince stupid people to go to an abandoned island in the middle of nowhere, you should really be getting them to stay there.

Now comes Australian idol. This show charges you an arm and a leg to vote and would make calling 000 to have a doctor look at your now severed arm and missing spleen impossible because the phone bill would have had the phone company disconnect your phone. Recently one girl left because of some throat infection, but they kept voting open so they could rake in the cash. People were voting for someone who was dropping out!

I don't normally have any qualms with the way people spend their money, but this is something I thought that was pretty dodgy in itself. Just when I thought that this exploitation was at its peak they made a new poll about whether "you think she should have left" Text yes or no.

If you text the number you don't get anything. You don't get your favourite idol voted in. Whats the point? How stupid do they think we are? I don't actually watch the show, but while real problems are existing in society, people are spending huge sums of money deciding whether a person with a throat infection is capable of singing. The producers capitalised on someone's illness for their own profit. They then had an interview with the girl and said they wanted her to go to some lodge in the middle of nowhere and not talk to anyone (obviously so they could keep their own spin on things). It made me so mad I had one of my friend's crap in someone's front yard.

-People with no life watch Australian Idol and think its entertaining

Old cartoons are cool

I love the old episodes of transformers and voltron and inspector gadget. They were made in the day when cartoons were good. Xmen was also a good show once believe it or not. Now all of these shows have been 'idiotised' by adding values and issues that no one cares about. What happened to raw action? Thats what we want to see, not pussy "I lost my thongs" rubbish.

I saw an episode of Xmen (a new one) the other day, and it had NO fighting whatsoever. None. What the hell is going on? Who watches shows about people with claws and violent powers to see them talk about how dirty a van can get? Newsflash: Nobody cares about the Xjet, its shit.

Transformers was good until they introduced these "minicons" which harness great power and give the upper hand in a struggle. If there is no struggle, whats the point? These minicons are useless and do nothing by way of entertainment. And what happened to soundwave, probably the best character ever - you can't just ditch class like that. No wonder its crap.

The inspector gadget movie was crap. Why'd they bring in a random chick? They stuffed it up. Nobody wants to see random chick in a movie that doesn't belong there. And Penny was old too. Poor effort.

-idiot filmakers think people won't notice if they change the entire essence of a cartoon when they convert it to a film

Didn't finish High School? Don't worry, you can still make it to uni

I thought that a university would have a filter on those who are intellectually inept by placing prohibitively high barriers to entry via the HSC exams at the end of year 12. If you are stupid, go to TAFE or work at McDonalds.

However, there are some people who slip through the cracks namely:

1. Rich people who pay full fees. But their head is so far up their ass they never bother anyone
2. University staff.

I, and many others, would have thought that an academic institution such as a university would accept only the most intelligent people. With a discriminatory culture against those who aaren't educated, how can a moron possibly fit through?

Look no further than the university registrar. I have no idea how she got hired, but she is now finally getting kicked out. Someone must have realise dhow stupid she really is. Today I had a meeting with her, in which I was trying to work out whether she was acting stupid or was just stupid. Yes, even great men like me sometimes make mistakes and misjudgements, and I genuinely thought that she could not be so stupid as to say what she was saying. Apparently she knows more about me than I do. Wow, I didn't realise I have a second mother. Get away from me before I inherit your stupidity.

She was confronted with a complex question, to which she effectively responded "answer it yourself". Smooth move dumbass, if I didn't know the answer why would I ask you? Well, it turns out she doesn't know the answer to anything.

Perhaps the only person equal to her in idiocy who works at uni is the lawyer in the Student Association. When asked a question about insurace he asked me if I knew the answer. No buttface, this isn't a multiple choice quiz.

-statistics show that shows like Wheel of fortune are responsible increasing the ratio of morons to non-morons.

Bad movies

"Hanging Up" is probably the worst movie I have ever seen. Whats worse is I actually paid to hire the video. Don't get me wrong, I don't fritter my money away on anything random, and I am not a wasteful person so I don't like getting things and not using them, but Hanging Up was so bad I couldn't finish watching it. I just stopped it, cut it, crapped on it, and threw it at my neighbour's cat.

This is a movie about a girl who gets hung up on by some guy leading to some sort of mass confusion and panic while people are expected to watch and "learn" some sort of moral. The moral of this dismal tale - don't rent Hanging Up.

Another boring movie is "Erin Brockevic". I don't know what was going on there, but I would rather be studying an accounting textbook somewhere else. This movie is about a woman who does something about someone and something happens to her on the way.

I spent the entire movie wondering whether this was an attempt at making me suffer for all my sins. If it was, it worked.

Movies with sequels suck. Look at "the Mighty Ducks". What kind of idiot made that movie? Whats worse is there were three of them, and all of them were the same. Basically the team sucked and then they got better and won. Great story line. Whats even dumber about this movie is there were enough idiots sucked into watching Part 2 (which was the same as Part 1 only the characters had reached puberty) that they were able to make a Part 3! Just goes to show idiots attract other idiots (thats why they shouldn't breed) - why don't morons like these absolve themselves of their money and just give it to me to spend for them?

Who watches this useless crap?

- Everyone thinks Hanging Up is the crappest movie ever

Subway employees should be quarantined.

Every time I go to subway I get some pimply assed punk with some sort of lung cancer serving me and coughing over my food. Don't think I don't know how dirty it is behind the counter, and that your pimples probably popped in some moron's satay chicken. That shit ain't mustard.

I know how that fat buttwipe from the TV ad lost weight from eating subway - he didn't. He just looked at the food and puked out all his lard - no wonder Subway smells like the insides of a plane after an international flight. Good going Subway, way to go replacing Jenny Craig.

The other day I saw the drinks disposer had been vomited in. The least you fatasses could do is vomit somewhere else, like how about in a dumpster?

I will never eat Subway again. Excuse me while I go puke.

- A mouldy sandwich is healthier than Subway.

Kill my neigbour's dog.

What kind of idiot keeps a dog in their frontyard? Every time I walk to the station I get barked at by an ugly ass under fed dog that hasn't met listerine. Someone should shoot all these pathetic creatures or at least feed them poisoned meat.

Dogs that sit around harassing strangers do not contribute to society in any way at all. They are just there to make noise and force innocent people like me to walk on the street instead of the sidewalk. No one cares about your shitty little house enough to want to look over the fence, let alone walk near it. If you want to live with animals, go to a jungle.

- Good people step in dog shit and get avoided

Dentists think I am stupid.

What is wrong with Dentists? They alway seem to find something wrong with my teeth - excuse me, but my teeth weren't designed by microsoft.

Do they think I don't notice when they try to make it easier for primary school children to count my bank balance? The fool I go to found a problem with my tooth and got me to come in again and again and again charging me $300 a pop. Nice move fool, I am onto your plan and I am not going anymore.

The same dentist did an xray of my teeth and fixed one of them, then claimed he had no time to do another "which was more seriously damaged". Apparantly I may need root canal therapy by the next time I go to see him. Nice move buttwipe, thats a bonus $700 for you to feed your fatass little kid.

Fat people shit me.

- Idiot dentists think reshaping a tooth is like building a sandcastle

There are too many idiots out there who dwindle their lives and think they're great when really they are just a waste of space.

Take the fatass dumbo I work with. He's in his 30's and paying off a HECS debt and has finally mastered student politics. Good on you moron, get a life. You are 30 and nobody likes you because you are fat.

Why do people try to stay in their prime years when clearly no one cares? Take the moronic sports people from your high school - what do they do now? I see those bums working at Franklins. Good work morons.

Some people stay on at uni because they think they are cool. Problem is, nobody cares. Uni is not a real place and neither is your high school sports field. There is this guy who hasn't graduated for 15 years because he was the king of student politics in his prime. Great work idiot - nobody knows you and everyone who sees you thinks you are a bum.

All these old people who stay in student politics should be shot.

All these jocks who are now cleaning station toilets should be given a wedgie.

- I am cool because I am not fat.