Even more dodgy TV

Am I the only one who finds shows like "Lizzie McGuire" and "SClub7" stupid? I noticed that both these shows did nothing other than promote some new singers songs. I don't want to watch a movie about how someone writes a song which then becomes popular. Its just a cheap gimmick to make people pay to watch a 3 hour advertisement about someone's new album.

The Lizzie McGuire movie and TV show are just there to promote that girl who sings the 'so yesterday' song, and SClub7 is just there to promote SClub7. Its funny how somehow this is always linked back to some crime which happens in a high school nobody cares about and how these people manage to solve it. After watching these shows, I know that if anyone ever steals my bubblegum, the local year 7 detective is the one to go to. These shows suck.

The other day I paid $9.50 to watch Billie from neighbours sing in a dodgy teen flick which probably exists only to launch his film career. What a rort. Generally films are overwhelmingly bad and so they need to supplement the lack of revenue from ticket sales with their crappy soundtrack.

Oprah Winfrey keeps trying to flog off her face care products. The whole show is just an excuse to market her book.

-people who watch midday tv are propping up bad tv shows

Shifty people

I have a friend who is about as shifty as the gear stick on a manual car. He has this "two timing" theory when it comes to girls, and he believes that he can go out with a different person every day.

The problem with my friend, who for the purposes of this blog I shall name Mr Shift, is that he needs someone to go out with the first time. As he is unable to achieve this, he cannot possibly fulfil his theory. However, I am torn as to whether to feel pity for this friend. I am in awe as to his overwhelming confidence when it comes to girls, especially given he seems to have little to no success.

He has probably been the best encyclopedia for women when it comes to rejecting men. He knows how to be rejected and how to behave when it happens. He is also able to teach women how to reject men without them knowing. For example, Mr Shift once was told by a girl that she could not attend a formal with him because she was busy, however he had neglected to tell her the date - so how could she know she was busy!

He also had a girl open the door for him at his work, and then she ran away.

In short, this friend has unusual problems with women, and his shifty attitude doesn't help. One day he will listen to his mum and marry her choice.

-how did I get involved in this?

Good fashion sense

I just realised that jeans are uncool. Nobody wears jeans and new safety laws mean there isn't enough roadkill to get the material to make them. I only know one person who wears jeans.

I believe that the way forward is through pants, or chinos. This is top quality attire that makes you:

a) look cool
b) feel cool

I sympathise with those who are too poor to afford pants and are wearing denim instead, and believe that a charity should be founded to help these people buy better clothes. There will always be people stuck in time limbo who will not know about the latest trend, and for these people there should be an educational institute. As such I am hereby founding the "denim is not cool" institute which will help poor people buy better clothes, and educate the public about why denim is no longer cool.

The head of Denim Australia once said "Denim is worn by people who expect to roll in the mud and don't want their good clothes to get dirty". I agree. This is why this person is the head, because he is smart, just like me. You know if you are smart if you agree with me, if you disagree then obviously you are lacking a few too many braincells.

However, I can happily say that denim is being phased out. Denim wearers are about as rare as a 5 leaf clover and have as much common sense as a square with 6 sides. I've learnt many things in my long and wise life to date, and this is certainly step one to being cool.

So I say to you all, get rid of your jeans as much as they sound about as good as a cat in a blender. Wear pants or chinos and be cool like me.

-Statistics show that nobody important likes denim

Which transformer am I?

Are you single?

I have a friend who I would only normally recommend to a girl with the greatest trepidation, but for whom I have finally felt an obligation to assist. I shall not name this individual. Suffice it to say that all his friends refer to him as "Steve Cai". Recently, a close friend of his found a partner, and Steve felt left out. He has been fantasising about all sorts of things from whether Phil's 'beaver' is 'tender or tough' and whether Chun Wing Yeung has his 'broccoli stacked'. I do not understand most of these terms, but I will say that they are not as clean cut as they seem. Key to this is my feeling that this broccoli is not edible, and would not come with your average dish of meat and potatoes.

If you are a girl who is tolerant, but seduced by men who have "boyish charm" then please email Steve.

Note: Despite his desperation, Steve does have very high standards. If your first name starts with a C, and ends in an E and your last name starts with a T and ends in an N, you need not apply. If you have an email which can fill in the dashes in "c_tef_bs@hotmail.com" you need not apply. If you have applied already in 2003, please do not reapply.

Steve does not like long emails, as a guess, I'd say all he wants is a photo and a short message.

If you have any queries please email Steve. If you want advice on what to do, speak to Phillip Chin. He can be contacted by email. If Phil does not reply, just visit his site at the link labelled "Steve is going to die" on your right, and leave an abusive message on his tagboard.

-Steve69Cai is an equal opportunity 'employer'. He will not discriminate on the grounds of sex, age or any other characteristic irrelevant to your abilities to fulfil your role.

One of the best things ever...

There are two videos which I just watched which I love so much I must share them with you. They are both courtesy of Outfoxed a movie which shows fox news' bias (even though thats not much of an achievement).

The first clip of of Howard Dean kicking Sean Hannity's ass:

Sean Hannity vs Howard Dean

The second is Bill O'reilly vs a rather timid seeming guy from the New York Times - nonetheless, the guy sticks his ground against O'reilly.

Bill O'reilly for 56k modems

Bill O'reilly for 200k modems

Oh of course, Bill O'reilly tries to spin it, and guess what, he gets barred. This is the truth.

I cannot end without a quote from my favourite Foxnews pundit:

"To say that this network promotes the Republican view, not the conservative view, but the Republican view is like saying that the pope is Catholic. It's self-evident."
-Neal Gabler, Fox News contributor

-This is the best thing ever.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

Today marks one year of wise-entertainment Dr G style for all you viewers. Be greatful and send gifts!

Dr G.

I hate children

I am not favourably disposed to children, and unlike Manoj and Kate, would never contemplate having any. My six year old cousin embodies all that is wrong with a child - don't get me wrong, its not that I don't like her, in fact I do care about her, and its certainly not that she is weird, its just all children are like that. She merely provides a good case study for the typical child.

I was just praying then and she sat there and stared at me which was very distracting. She then kept tapping me pretending that it wasn't her when clearly it was. I would normally find such juvenile behaviour funny were it not for the fact that she kept abusing me for not combing my hair and failing to tuck in my shirt. In short, she is going through that phase where, as an only child, she wants to feel important. I, of course, being the Great Dr G, merely pretend she isn't there. I just looked away and while she was complaining about the mismatch of my clothing I just got up and left.

She often comes over and annoys me, but in large part I leave the fun and games to my sister, who, by virtue of being the second youngest female in my family, automatically becomes her "best friend". As a result, whenever my cousin comes over I shut my room door and lock it.

My cousin often annoys me by incessantly knocking on my door and telling me to open it. I just pretend I am not home by not answering. The moment my sister knocks on the door I mysteriously appear and open the door. I don't think she knows I am pretending she isn't there yet.

I accidentally left my door open once and she came in and asked me where my sister was. As I did not know I told her "I do not know". Instead of leaving, she decided to hit me continuously with her jacket or something. I grew angry and told her my sister must be outside the front of the house and that she should go wait for her there. It didn't work.

Children are annoying, thats what they do best. They try to get your attention. I say, go watch TV or something because Cartoon network exists for a reason.

- I don't like kids.

The US election

'How can 59,054,087 people be so DUMB?" shrieked Britain's Daily Mirror in an enormous front-page headline. "Why did so many Americans get off their backsides to vote this time around?" wondered Ian McDonald in a letter to Melbourne's Herald Sun. "Were all the donut shops closed for the day?"

These were among the more rational responses last week to the US election "disaster" from sore losers, reeling from inexplicable (to them) back-to-back victories of the two most vilified leaders of the coalition of the willing.

The parallels between the Bush and Howard victories are remarkable. Both incumbents were wildly maligned as liars and dangerous right-wing lunatics who sneaked back into office by selling their nations' souls to fundamentalist weirdos.

Both challengers underestimated their opponent. John Kerry was quoted in Newsweek saying to an aide: "I can't believe I'm losing to this idiot." Latham thought he could bully Howard with a handshake.

I can't believe Bush won, but it did happen. I feel sorry for John Kerry who has apparently gone into hiding.