Homeland Security

In my thus far relatively brief life, I have seen many idiotic endeavours by other human beings. However, none have been as shameless and consistently stupid as homeland security.

The point of a joke is to finish it as some point, not to continue on with it. If you find a burning pile of poo wrapped in newspaper on your doorstep so your foot gets dirty stamping it out, you don't leave the crap there. You clean it up. You don't leave it as a "memento", nor do you radically alter your life on the basis that this will happen every day. I cannot speak from experience, as I am one who usually would play that kind of prank on someone else, rather than being on the receiving end.

When it comes to homeland security, how can an event which happened two years ago, and which has not had any follow up event, continue to affect daily life? I mean, it didn't even happen in this country.

In short, the bins have been taken away from Central station and it is pissing me off. I could hack it if they put the bins back after a week or so, but TWO years later, you still can't throw your rubbish anywhere. Its no surprise that people are throwing their garbage on the ground, or putting them in any crevace they can find.

To make things worse, the cityrail authorities have recently introduced fines for littering on the platform. They are total idiots, because as long as their is no bin to throw rubbish in, it will go on the floor, the train tracks, or in a gap between a pole and another pole.

The toilets there get bombed or something on a fairly routine basis by some little idiot who finds a recipe for a mild explosive on the internet, and thinks its funny to test out on a public toilet. Newsflash: those toilets stink already, and having crap stuck to the walls is not going to help.

However, the toilets are still there. Why don't they get rid of them too? Are they afraid people will crap on the floor (e.g. Ken Tham)?

They should focus their attentions on the real problems arising from people being boxed in in carriages and unable to move or get out. This is a dangerous situation because people with severe flatulence catch the train and forcibly share their breakfast/lunch/dinner with other passengers via undesired gas emissions.

-Typical government. Priorities all wrong.

I Am So Hot I Am Cool.

Those around me will be familiar with my infamous 'Why me?' (hand action optional and dependent on how 'why' the 'me' is - teehee). And indeed, I have often pondered on the levels of meaning inherent in the question I have posed for myself, my friends and my fellow countrymen.

After much musing, I have come to a most suitable conclusion - I am a legend. Why do I get the last cup of tea? Because I am cool. Why do batsmen cower like soccer players when I run in to bowl? Because I am too good. It all makes perfect sense.

And for all those unbelievers out there - I think, therefore I am.

Whilst we are here, I must make a confession. I have a tomato fetish. Ripe young tomatoes... *salivates*

I also secretly have $50 dollar haircuts. Nobody can look this good on just $5!!


Susan signs off here.

-Susan wrote this blog

Fireworks

Fireworks are the staple government rort. It was the rort before "homeland security" became an "issue" and they removed the bins from central. Everyone talks about how much is spent on them, and to me its just a waste of money. Fireworks pollute the air and you can burn money with the same effect - that is, it doesn't really achieve anything other than a stink and noise.

Lets face it, nobody cares about a fizzle in the sky. It doesn't do anything, it doesn't look particularly good, and nobody wants to watch it. Why not spend that money on something useful, or something that people want, rather than blowing it on some farcical amusement.

Fireworks look like a tomato gone wrong, or a peach which is overripe, and are about as desirable as luke warm water on a hot day. This year they'll spend a lot more of fireworks to make them just as crap as usual. Nobody will watch them, let alone remember them.

If I want to see a violent flash in the sky, I'll stare at the sun. At least its available everyday and free.

-fireworks are a waste of money

Parties

I have never been much of a fan of parties, and I will confess here that I seldom look forward to attending one. Parties are an excuse for a random and disparate group of individuals to sit in one location and stare out a window, or subtely watch TV in a way which would make them seem less anti-social. Nobody wants some sweaty guy named Pierce to shake their hand. I certainly did not.

The reality is, parties are what you make of them, but is the chit-chat with randoms really worth anything? Of course you have a common friend(s) being the person who invited you, but the reality is they don't really care about you, and you don't care about them. I don't want to know about your new jewellery, so don't tell me. Its about as interesting as a red tomato and as useful as a toilet seat on a caravan.

I went to a party last night, and much to my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It is probably the most fun I have had in quite some time because it brings back that random factor to your life. Some people did go too far with many of their antics (e.g. Wilson who stole numerous bras).

Right now I can tell you there is a security guard out there who thinks I am strange, a taxi driver who is trying to work out what happened to his car, and a ticket machine which has been made cool by association (thanks to Julian). However, all these people have been blessed by the Dr G. touch and lead more fulfilling lives as a result.

Ever lifted up a car and physically moved it? I haven't either, but we were going to until its 'owner' came up to us and asked us for a bong.

In conclusion I would also like to say thank you to Yeh and Simon. You know why I am thanking you, and at some point in the future I will write about what happened for your own amusement.

-People ask me what I would do if fat guy found out about my site. My answer is simple: he won't think 'fat guy' is him because he thinks he is the epitome of physical health and body structure. That of course would mean I am an anorexic who lives in Somalia.

Fox news

I recently discovered I had fox news on my television. You may be wondering how I would not have noticed it before given my advanced perceptive skills, and for that I can give a simple answer - they only recently started airing it.

Anyway, this channel is so dodgy I thought it was satirical. I sat for hours watching "O'reilly's show" and some other one and laughed until I was in pain. The show is very clever, and funny too.

Then I realised it was a serious news channel. It was one of America's finest, in fact. What a joke. It was as if I'd skinned a tomato only to learn it was really an apple. Thats how surprised I was.

O'reilly is probably the dodgiest guy I know. Here's what they do on the show:

First, they take a pro-government stance. Everything George Bush does is wonderful. In fact, they pre-empt many of his craphouse policies such as those about detaining people without charge and justify it and act as if he is being lenient. Yeah right.

Then they bring on a panel of people from various areas. If someone has a different opinion they just talk over him/her and then eventually they just finish the segment. Often that person with an alternative opinon is still talking when they cut the segment!

Then today O'reilly said that if there was a website out there that had a different opinion to him, it was trying to brainwash you and that you can only trust him to give you the true news without any spin. When he said that I was stunned not by this callous attempt to brainwash people in an obviously hypocritical way, but because he called what he was delivering "news".

Until that point I never realised he was actually a news person. I thought he was a weirdo with a funny haircut who liked to ramble on about his opinions and quash anyone else's, but it turns out he is a well respected news man. He's like John Laws except on TV.

I also noticed he has really hairy fingers, and keeps playing with his pen. In his spare time he tries to sell his book, and tells everyone why everyone who is above him on the books rating list is a rort. In truth, his book is shit, and to him, this is another 'website' which is wrong. As he says "don't trust ANY websites, they are wrong" and then he says "for more information, visit MY website".

What an idiot. I can't believe someone that dumb exists to spread his dumb ideas. No wonder americans are stupid, if you were exposed to an idiot for your news you'd become an idiot too over time (except if you are internally very strong like me). Thank God for this blog!

-O'reilly makes Ricki's Lake look like an Ocean.

I am such a wonderful person

I know a lot of my recent blogs or articles haven't been as amusing as before, and in large part that is because I haven't written many of my opinions, however, recently a lot of stuff has happened which I just cannot neglect to report.

Frequent readers would be familiar with "Fat guy" from an earlier blog. Fat guy (FG) is a corrupt and ruthless individual, and I decided today to go out of my way and reform the individual by using the "do unto others as you would have them do to you" principle. i.e. I spoke to him on the phone for 16 mins and 35 seconds and was basically treating him as he treats other people.

In essence, the Student Guild is being sued and I am the only one who can stop it.. or can I? I claim that I cannot, and I have referred him to the commerce and economics society who I think may be able to assist him. I have not been able to tell him the specifics, but I believe the marketing department and the treasury may have the information he is seeking to prevent this liability.

I stated I would be unable to help him as I do not have access to my account. It was a tit-for-tat conversation in which he was quite frustrated. I have put a bit of the conversation (summarised) below:

FG: Hi, its FG from the Guild
me: yeah
FG: Do you know a Mr X who is claiming insurance from the guild due to an injury?
me: never heard of hiim
FG: Well, the insurance company needs to speak to the organiser as part of their independent assessment.
me: ok
FG: Can you provide them with evidence and documentation
me: no, I can't as I do not have access to my account
FG: that was because you deleted everything on it.
me: I can delete what I want
FG: no you can't
me: I can and did. I knew you'd hack into my account so I couldn't do anything but delete everything. I didn't have time to delete only personal stuff... And I was right wasn't I? I had been on for not even an hour when you hacked into my computer, and blocked my access again.

blah blah blah

FG: So basically, you are being obstinate. You are unwilling to help
me: I am WILLING to help, but not ABLE to help because I don't have access to my account
FG: You have no files on your account anyway
me: yes I do
FG: Where can I get info from then?
me: Well it was a joint venture with the Commerce society, perhaps contact them?
FG: Who can I contact
me: dunno.. try the president maybe?
FG: can I get a name
me: I dunno, you can work it out
FG: lets pretend I am stupid and I can't. Who do I call?
me: we don't need to pretend

silence

FG: Ok.. so basically you won't help.
me: I WANT to help, but I am not ABLE to help. Maybe if you fix my account?
FG: I am not authorised to do that, only the president can.

debate about President's authority

me: well, if the president is so "powerful" he can speak on behalf of the guild and answer all questions. You don't need me.
FG: He wasn't at the event.
me: I dunno
FG: So basically you are going to let the Guild get sued. What do I tell the President when he says to me "why are we getting sued?"
me: dunno. tell him to tell the insurance company what they want
FG: you are just being obstinate
me: no I am not

this line of debate continues for a while

FG: You are a fool
me: You are entitled to your own opinion
FG: So what do I do?
me: Try contacting comsoc, or sports day at unsw_sports_day@yahoo.com.au
FG: I know once I hang up the phone you are going to ring comsoc and get them to delete all the files, I'll just send this email and assume you aren't going to do that.
me: ok
FG: Well, I gotta go now..
me: (abruptly) bye I hang up

THE END

While I write this my neighbour appears to have bought a new dog. I can hear it barking and I am going to be off for a while buying poisoned meat from my local butcher (saves on buying the poison). I can't believe anyone would get an animal that just keeps barking. What a spastic dog, it is really pissing me off. It just keeps following the same barking patterns like a broken beatles album. It sounds like a cat being flushed down a port-a-loo.

I hate dogs, and cats, and all pets. If someone has a pet they should keep it inside and live with its crap and noise and not let innocent people suffer for it. If I wanted to hear idiotic animals and speak to idiotic people, I'd pitch a tent in my neighbour's backyard.

-Animals belong in the jungle.

Spam

When I first started to use the internet, I thought spam was extreme when I'd get emails about Dental Plans in the USA. I am grateful that somebody in another country thinks I could benefit from a marginal discount on health care, but I am not grateful for how stupid they must be to think I would catch a plane just to get a checkup. Why do they send me this crap?

At the time I sent a reply email saying "Get lost, I live in a different country" and they STILL emailed me. In fact, they only stopped when my inbox was permanently full from OTHER spam I was receiving. I do not want to win $1m in the US by giving you my credit card.

Another thing, why do people keep asking to use my bank account? "I am some random dude from Africa and I have $10m and I need to put in a bank account, can I use yours? You can keep 25% of it if you say its OK". Its not OK, get lost - I don't want you to steal my money. You must be stupid to think I'd agree to that.

However, now spam is everywhere, much like cheese on an oversized pizza. I get spammed on my mobile phone thanks to ICQ and its free SMS's, and were I to install a tagboard or comments system that would be spammed too. Its an era of mass marketing, where people realise you don't care, so they try to get your attention by spamming you. Take a look at my friend 69's website (link on sidebar). Somebody has decided to promote their own website by writing it all over his site. In fact, it is made worse by the fact that they covered my website and totally detracted from its attention.

Spam has always come in my mailbox, but I have had the convenience of walking past the bin on the way back home.

-nobody wants spam

My cricket team

We have a new website for our team - namely www.geocities.com/darkhorsescc. However, note that the site contains various fabrications and half truths. I was asked to write a profile on some of the players, and given that they are not up on that site yet, I will place them here until they are up.

I will also be writing a profile for Henry You, but not Steve Cai as there is considerable demand by others to write about his talent and finesse.

Here they are:

Ken Tham:

Ken was brought into our team just in case there was a quota requiring a
minimum number of women. With his pantene and moroccan mud groomed silky
long hair, Ken is an aerodynamic bowler to say the least. His skill comes
from his deception, both with bat and ball, as the opponents wonder whether
they should be hitting him or hitting ON him.

Ken has batted quite well for us (and the other team) this season, with his
mix of performances he ranks second only to Mr Extras when it comes to
batting averages. Who can forget the time he scored 48? I can't remember
which game it happened in, but it happened once.

With the ball Ken bowls with ferocious pace. I have never seen a fielder
that scared when someone comes running in to bowl. Ken has a vicious eye for
weakness, and once told me that he aims for the groin, not the nuts. The
batsmen find this out as countless numbers lose their ability to have
children.

Bowlers and batsmen alike tremble at the skill of mighty Ken Tham in the
same way they would shake when faced with the prospect of missing the last
bus to Bondi.

Bona Sijabat:

Bona is a funny guy. In earlier games this talented craftsman would display
his bravery by attacking the ball front on in the field, thus risking his
ability to have children in the event of a misfield.

Bona was rewarded by being made our loyal and dedicated wicketkeeper. He now
takes all balls front on, including Henry's when he can find them. I still
remember the game when Henry bowled his ball and Bona tried to flick it onto
the batsman's middle stump and missed a stumping opportunity. The middle
stump didn't come straight out of the ground that time.

Bona with the bat is a star. He tries to hit the ball and often succeeds,
meaning he can score runs. He also got hit in the nuts once when he was
batting, and as a result if he wants children, he'll have to adopt.

I have never seen Bona bowl, but it doesn't mean he can't. Bona in all
honesty is probably one of the most energetic players around and he is
always enthusiastic and encouraging the team. Good work Bona. You champion.

Sam Starrett:

In the 2000 Sydney Boys High School record, the captain of Sam's year 12
team describes him as follows:

"Sam turned up to every game and was very enthusiastic. When batting, he
often danced on the crease (away from the ball) before hitting the ball. His
bowling was scary; on the days he was good, he bowled very well, however on
the other days he was a bit erratic."

All I can say is, that captain got it spot on, and Sam hasn't changed a bit!

Victor Bow:

Victor is a great batsman, and a great fieldsman, but he is also a great
driver who gives me a lift to the game every morning. Actually, he'd
probably rank number 1 in our team as a lift giver.

Victor is a prolific batsman who scores runs sometimes. Once he made 55 not
out, and he hasn't come close since then. The record remains untouched by
anyone else in our team. In fact, 55 is almost as much as our entire team
scored in our first game, so congratulations to Victor on making some runs.
He is also good at calling runs between wickets, and is particularly good at
the dummy spits he makes when he gets out. He was once given out LBW when he
hit the ball to a fielder.

In terms of fielding Victor never moves from his spot at gully, even though
the ball never goes there. Its always fascinating to see how he manages to
just stand there for 50 overs and observe. However, merit where merit is
due, he did take a good catch in one game. He is also the one who noticed
Bona's "front on" approach to fielding the ball, and was the most concerned
about the well being of his vulnerable parts.

Victor overall is a great player, and he loves the umpire, especially that
guy (Jason) we got early on on ground 10. Victor loves having conversations
with umpires and hopes they will talk to him after game hours too. Victor
started a "I love Jason, the umpire on pitch 10" fan club and was elected
president unapposed.

Yue Zhang:

Yue is a champion fielder. He is probably the only person who people expect
to take a catch just because of his pure athleticism and hawkish eye for
grabbing balls. Yue Zhang was mistaken for Michael Jordan at the 2003
Commerce Camp because of his charsma, charm and lack of wit.

Yue likes to move around on the field. While everyone else is tired, Yue
will move positions from one end of the field to another during the course
of the same over. He is a fitness freak.

Unfortunately for Yue, he doesn't get to run much with the bat. His highest
score this season is 0 and that time he got out second ball. In many ways
his performance running around all over the field is to make up for the lack
of running when we bat.

Yue can also bowl a bit. I have heard he can land the ball on the pitch and
claims he can 'spin' it. Sure, Yue. Sure.

While Yue is overall a successful player, his one notable failure is not
always recognising the funniest jokes and laughing at them. As a rule of
thumb, if I say it, it is funny, otherwise it is not.

Yue will blossom into a star player by the end of the season. His endless
enthusiasm and his relentless pursuit of the ball mean this chap will travel
far.

Tommy Du:

Tom opens the batting and stands at first slip. Sometimes he gets out
quickly which means he sits in the "pavilion" for 49 overs and then stands
at slip doing nothing for 50 overs. Which means he is only really actively
involved in the game for 1 out of 100 overs, or 1% of the time. Thats pretty
bad.

However, sometimes he does survive and when he does, he does so with class
and makes a lot of runs. Tommy likes to think he is athletic and charismatic
like Yue, but he's the only one who thinks that. Having said that, Tommy is
a talented player, who knows how to hit the ball.

It is always quite something to see Tommy play. He is just so easy going and
relaxed on the field - nothing bothers him, not even the ball when it is
hurtling towards him in the field and smacks him in the stomach.

Tom, you are an entertaining player, and you are an inspiration in the
field. Tom "the statue" Du is able to maintain absolute stillness in the
field.. almost as if he's a asleep. If thats not a skill, I don't know what
is!

.....

THE END

-my cricket team dominates the competition and all other teams tremble at our might.

Some background about myself

I am receiving constant attacks by inexperienced "I read women's fashion magazines" people. The reality is, these people know nothing other than the opinions of other people whose sole motivation is to sell a product. Lets be realistic, the magazine writers want to plug the people who sponsor them. Their fashion advice is flawed, mine is not.

You may be thinking, "what makes you any different?". If you are, you are an idiot. Of course I am different, and that is best displayed by the accuracy of my blogs and the amazing quality of my advice.

When it comes to fashion sense, my blog is the best. I don't care about the women's stuff - all that focus on random crap - I look at what it good and good quality.

For the information of those still confused, I was actually the manager of a men's wear store once, and it wasn't a crappy lowes/kmart store either - we sold only good stuff - versace, valentino and so forth.

I noticed something when I worked there. Men wear clothes for their quality and comfort, and women like clothes that may be made of anything (even crap like denim) as long as they have a BIG brand name on it somewhere.

The reality is, when it comes to clothes I know my stuff, so quit emailing me about crap from "Ms Popular" from that mainstream "teen" fashion magazine. The reality is, if she were really popular, she wouldn't work in an industry where people can't see her face or hear her voice.

-Fashion magazines are a farce

Fan mail

Sometimes my fan mail is so strange I just can't respond to it...

Date: Thu, 4 Dec 2003 02:42:55 +1100 (EST)
From: Susan D
To: gulfam@unsw.edu.au
Subject: high heels r us


as a matter of fact, in 1993's 'single white female', a high heel was used to pierce and gouge out an eye. it proved to be a very effective method of man-killing.
 
high heels are sexy. in a past life, i was a christian louboutin. (that is a high heel, but of course, being the fashionable Dr. G that you are, you already know that, duh)

Thanks for your contribution...

-sometimes people even baffle me

I'll tell you a story

I must admit when I first made my blog site I made a concerted effort to make sure it wouldn't be about "what I did today". My blog exists to ensure that everyone betters themselves, and learns from my wisdom. It can still do that, but I have decided that today's adventures are too good not to write down.

If you have ever seen jackass the movie you will know how startled a person can be if you crap in a display toilet unconnected to any plumbing. I had a similar effect on some people today but not by doing the same repulsive act. No, today I decided to do something different.

I am an office bearer in the Student Guild at the University of New South Wales (don't stalk me). I have an email account and a computer which contains various documents, some private, some political secrets, and my fair share of spam.

After a dodgy election, I faced the prospect of one of the most repulsive people I know benefitting from the hard work of my term by having access to all my records and contacts, and being fully aware of the initiatives I had taken. If you don't know much about student politics, I can tell you this - your own group helps you, and you don't give another group anything unless they give you something back. You certainly do not teach them your secrets.

The incumbents are, of course, from a group which I have an intense dislike for, and they disabled my account knowing that they woudl be able to pass on all my information to the next person, who happens to be from their group, and then build on it. If they did, they would be formidable. I could not let this happen.

Disguised as the neighbourhood friendly guy, I walked into the Guild. I know they changed my password, and they know I know they changed my password, but I pretended that "my password doesn't work" so they would fix it. I told them "I never want to come in here again, I just want to answer this one query because this psycho guy keeps ringing me about not answering his emails".

They don't want to see my face ever again so they complied. The server kept crashing (legitimately would you believe it) so I said "I can do it later" but they were determined - they kept fixing the server.

They had also uninstalled my mouse, meaning I needed to log in from a different computer. As soon as I got in I deleted everything from the network and my emails.

I then went to my own computer to delete everything off the desktop (a painful process without a mouse). I left some files on there, but made them password protected.

Anyway, if finally dawned on them that I was getting rid of everything. They needed my knowledge because all the people who I would have worked with were from a different group and thus we organised things without talking to eachother. This meant that anything related to my department in terms of work, and how I did that work, and who I did it with was wiped clean. It meant that if they didn't want to start from scratch, there would only be the memories of those involved to work from. Of course those memories belong to people from my group.

In short, without my work, they are screwed.

Then what happens from here is quite funny. There is a fat guy and a skinny guy. Perhaps how this transpires is best written as a script. Ironically this would have been avoided if I had a mouse as they would have noticed earlier. I was also not aware of everything happening, but a friend of mine who was present did observe this. I also wrote a script for a play once. I left that on the computer! Here it is (note, if it seems like I am talking to myself I am not. Most of the time I am talking to a friend who was with me):

me: I don't need to delete all these files. Some of them are photos of me so I don't care if he has them.

Skinny guy walks past and becomes curious. Skinny guy is from the incumbent group. Skinny guy watches me for a few minutes

me: I'll just delete these, and password protect those... I wonder if I can save these to disk before I delete it..inserting CDRW

skinny guy: have you got the computer to work now?

me: (absent mindedly) yeah yeah I worked out how to do it with the keyboard.

skinny guy: whats happening with the CD. I don't think the CD burner works.

me: nah, this is the only CD I have. I want to see if the CD drive works (even though I have just been carrying this CD around in my pocket)

skinny guy: (getting suspicious) do you want me to go get a blank CD?

me: yeah.. actually just get a normal CD. I just want to see if the disk drive works

skinny guy: ok.

me: actually don't worry about it, it doesn't matter. It seems ok

Skinny guy leaves and takes a few steps back and continues to watch

me: I am almost done. Stupid computer. I'll just delete these.

Fat guy enters. He and skinny guy watch me

Fat guy (inaudible to me): What is he doing?

Skinny guy: it seems like he is deleting everything on his computer

Fat guy: nah, it can't be. Surely not? (This is the bit that reminds me of the crapping thing in jackass)

Skinny guy: It seems like he is. Is he?

Skinny guy goes to use his admin privileges to see what I am doing and realises I have deleted all my emails and returns and reports to fat guy

Fat guy (walks up to me and says): Skinny guy just checked your email account (yeah we don't mind hacking) and it seems you've deleted all your emails.

me: what are you talking about? I deleted my deleted items, thats it.

Fat guy: no, you have been deleting all your emails

I only have a bit more left to delete. I needed to buy more time

me: Ok, you're wrong. Go and check again.

Fat guy leaves and checks again

me: ok, done, I have deleted everything! yay.

fat guy (approaches): I am afraid I am going to have to ask you to log off your computer

me: I just did. I've finished now.

fat guy: you have maliciously damaged property. You have deleted all your emails

me: whatever, I deleted my deleted items.

fat guy: no, you deleted everything

me: I don't think so

fat guy: yes you did. And you have also been spreading lies about me. You've been telling people I have been doing X,Y, and Z.

me: I said X and Y but not Z (this is the truth).

fat guy: no, I got a call from someone in the registrars department claiming X,Y, and Z.

me: Look, seriously, fat guy, I don't care about you. Why would I bother?

fat guy: and you have also deleted all those emails

me: no I didn't, I can log in now to prove it

fat guy: ok, log in

I don't move

fat guy: ok, I'll log in for you. Whats your password, its X right? (he'd know since he changed it)

me: yeah.

fat guy: ok lets do it then

I just left.

me: cya fat guy

fat guy: bye.

That was my day. Some people are idiots. Fat guy is an idiot. Fat guy is also fat.

-this is a story of my day

I will end with a character analysis of these two people. Perhaps this should be at the beginning, or maybe not. In any case, it adds to the culture of this event.

Skinny guy

Believe it or not, I was once a member of the incumbent group, thanks to skinny guy. The beauty of skinny guy is he underestimates me horribly - either that or he is a total idiot. He thinks I won't notice things - or he thinks he is a better actor than he is.

For example, in oweek, I had a big dispute with the incumbents at to whether a certain club should be given a stall. They wanted X club to have a stall, but I thought Y club should have a stall. Skinny guy drafted a revised stalls listing 'for expedience - as it helped with the electricity distribution' in which he replaced Y with X and asked me to approve it. Fat chance dumbass.

He didn't learn from this. In another event he thought I wouldn't notice if he stole all the free beer tokens. Well, I think 500 odd people noticed that too.

He always wants to seem like a decent guy. In many ways he has elements of it, but he is really actually very dodgy. He changed my password so I could access my account on an earlier occasion, and then while I was using it he changed it back (because he had been yelled at by someone else). He then came to my computer and claimed that even his administrator password wouldn't work on it. I knew he was lying because I saw him type in his admin password the previous time and it was different to what he was typing in this time. Bad acting, mate.

And on this occasion, he tries to start a conversation with me, and asks me if I want a blank CD. How stupid does he think I am? Yeah, I want a blank CD so I can copy all my files and delete the ones on the hard disk. As if I am telling him!

In short, he tries to be decent, but he does dodgy stuff and he tries to hide behind poor acting and hopes I won't notice.

Fat guy

Clearly someone who was abused at school for being bigger than the side of a house. He know has power and he abuses it. He is in student politics and has been for 8 years. He is in his late 20s and holds onto the one thing in which he has power and achievement. He won't move on and is a loser.

He is super confident, but that confidence can be shaken. He is a bully and a thug. He uses bluff tactics all the time, and claims it is 'not within his power' to solve certain problems. Of course, he is lying.

I wrote about how corrupt he may be in one of my office bearer reports to council and he threatened to sue me. He hates me with a passion. I once claimed he was unable to read a budget after he criticised me for passing a motion to approve my yearly expenditure en bloc in an easy to read budget form. He of course retracted.

He also tried to convince me that he and this tiny committee could override the Student Guild constitution with a motion. However, unlike Skinny guy, he is not doing this out of stupidity, it is all bluff work.

....


You know, I could probably make a whole blog about my Guild adventures.... if you like them, or think they have potential, email me and I'll put more up. There are a lot of characters. However, the stories won't all be funny. They will have funny moments, but they'll be more about strategy and political intrigue, factional deals and bluff work, powerbrokers and numbers men. Of course it will be riddled by dodgy tactics and cover ups. Ever carried a massive cardboard box home really early in the morning? I have.

As I said, if you find that stuff interesting, email me. If there is a big enough response I will write a few more stories here and there.

Ripped jeans come from the reject shop

Since I am in the mood for updating old topics, I will, with a heavy heart, revisit the topic of denim. This is because I have a friend who thinks that it is cool to buy dirty and ripped jeans. I told her it is what is known as "second hand product", namely, someone decided they couldn't be bothered stitching their old pair of jeans or even cleaning them and sold them again.

I can't believe someone would want to buy ripped jeans. Thats what you buy from the reject shop - but get this - she actually paid more for it. If you think its bad to pay more for ripped jeans, there is apparently someone ELSE who paid even more to get ripped jeans with liquid paper all over it. Come on, if someone spills crap on your jeans you don't pay for the crap on it, you pay for the fabric cleaner you use to remove it. Its pretty obvious really.

I would say to these people that they are not cool, and perhaps they should buy the trash in my garbage bin. I mean, the pizza carton is made of something that costs money - maybe you can use it as a hat? or some form of alternative sombrero.

The reality is, nobody wears jeans, and nobody likes jeans. If you think that ripped jeans are any different you are deluded, and if you think that dirty ripped jeans are different you need professional help. Jeans are not cool.

-nobody wears jeans

Australian Idol is a rort

Australian Idol is just an excuse to use any goodwill that exists in the world and convert it into profit. I must admit that elements of the show can be seen to be interesting, amusing or even entertaining, but when the very foundations of the show is corrupt you cannot have any respect for it.

Not only do they drain the wallets of idiots by charging them almost 3 times the normal cost of an sms to vote, but they also rort the winner. Look at Guy Sebastian's new videoclip. Lets face it, its shit. He looks like a dope.

I know he is capable of singing better songs than the stupid ones Mr Touchdown - aka Mark Holden writes. In fact, I think Guy has a good voice, and he makes this dodgy song sound good. This song was headed into the 'my neighbours cat went through my blender' type genre, but Guy saved it.

Here's whats more dodgy. Not only do they give him budget songs and videos, but they:

1. Made him release and ENTIRE album in 4 weeks, so its bound to suck.
2. He needs to sell 750,000 copies before he even gets $1. That is a rort.

What a rort.

- Australian Idol is a rort.

You can get value for money

I am usually quite content with my $5.50 haircuts, but the other day I was in dire need of a haircut, and I decided to keep my eyes peeled, and guess what? I found a haircut place for $5! Thats a discount of 50 cents, and it means two things:

1. I effectively get one free haircut after I get ten haircuts (as a result of the savings)

2. I don't need to worry about loose change. I can conveniently hand over a $10 note and get a note in return, as opposed to annoying coinage.

I also managed to get various vouchers which ensure I can get this $5 haircut for the next 6 months.

It has also come to my attention that some people BOOK to get their haircuts. What a joke. Nobody gets an appointment for a haircut, you just rock up and get it. Thats what I did. I got a haircut quickly (without the hassle of booking), I got a good quality one, and I got a cheap one. What more could you want?

That is what happens when you keep your eyes open. I don't waste money, but lazy people do.

-I am a haircut expert.

It takes 5hrs and 22 mins to walk 30km at 1am in the morning

I would detail the exact "to" and 'from" but I don't want you to know where I live. What I will say, however is I was yesterday at a friends birthday, and the guy who was to give me a lift home decided he wanted to know how long it would take to walk from where the party was, to my house, i.e 30km.

It was 1am in the morning, and every fibre of my being would strongly recommend that you do not do this. It really is uncool to be walking home that late and to still be walking whilst the sun rises in front of your very eyes, not to mention dangerous. I was genuinely terrified for a part of my journey home, and I did seriously consider sleeping somewhere quiet until morning when I could catch a train home.

Now, you all know what an intelligent human being I am, so I will say I did not DELIBERATELY do this. I was merely left with no other option. I live in a city where I knew that public transport at that time of night would take me 4 hours to get home (from experience), and, by calculation, thought that if I walked at merely 7km/hr I would get home faster. Do not assume you can walk this fast, because, chances are, you can't.

In short, walking home sux. Do not take a lift home from a crazy or deranged individual. If you have doubts about the person giving you a lift always make sure you have a back up lift, or leave early so you can get home safely.

If even I, the great Dr G., can be in strife over this, so can you! Be careful.

-there are a lot of spooky houses in a 30km range

High heels

I don't understand why anyone would want to wear high heels. They are unstable and bad for your back. Furthermore, they make you walk like a walrus. Nobody in their right mind would wear high heels.

Its probably one of the rare things that really define a person's intelligence. Chances are, someone wearing high heels is either deluded, or just can't change the lightbulb in their living room.

I think anyone wearing high heels is a danger to society. If they drive a car they won't be able to press the pedals, and if they get angry they could poke somebody's eye out by becoming violent.

In the alternative they could badly twist their ankle if they loose balance courtesy of a small wind or the shove of an overweight yet well dressed smelly man.

Overall, high heels are dangerous, look uncomfortable and are a health risk to society and should not be worn.

-nobody wears high heels anyway

I just realised what a mature and sensitive guy I am

People have all sorts of pathetic problems and they come to me for advice because I am so wise and kind. I have the knowledge and experience in every aspect of life to be able to tell them what is useful and what isn't, and how minor their problems are and how they can be solved.

In all honesty, I don't really care most of the time. When someone (true story) comes up to me wondering why a girl doesn't like him and tells me that he took her to the cinema and made her pay so he could use his 'buy one get one free' coupon and get in for free - I don't laugh at him straight away. I tell him it was a bad idea and laugh at him later. Then I use his example (without naming him) to educate others.

The reality is, I am just a kind hearted guy. I am friendly to everyone, despite how untoward their actions may be. I am just here to inform people about what is good and what isn't. People need to know that eating steak doesn't make them a man. They also need to know that nobody cares about their $250 haircut or some piece of metal they got from their local Tiffany's hardware store.

That is what I do. I tell people who are idiots that they are so they can learn from the experience and better themselves. If everyone out there acted in my own image the world would be a perfect place.

All round, I am a really nice guy. I am mature in my thought and I am sensitive to the needs of others. I think I have improved the IQ's of everyone who reads my site by at least 50%, and done their social status even more improvement - and I do this for free out of the kindness of my heart.

-everyone likes me and thinks my advice is golden.