Free advice

People keep emailing me with their problems thinking (quite rightly so) that the great and all knowledgeable Dr. G can solve their problems. If people continue to do this, I will start posting these up on my blog (or some of them anyway) and ensure anonymity.

In the meantime, here is some free advice:

If you and only one other person are in a lift/elevator, you must remember never to fart, because no matter how good at acting you are, the other person will know it is you.

-"whoever smelt it deal it" doesn't work either, particularly if you reply with "whoever made the rhyme did the crime".

JP's Party

When JP told me to dress up for his party I didn't quite know how to take it. After going to his party I am glad I got out some of the versace, which saved me quite a bit in the end. I obviously didn't want to wear my best stuff, but when its a party that looks like it costs about the same amount as a small house in Perth you really do need to wear something decent. The problem is you only find out at the party itself.

I went to this party with my dear friend, Mr 69, who is writing about the same party from his own perspective. Mr 69 thoroughly enjoyed the event because he got to look at a lot of women and men who had taken the time to dress up and admire them for the charm, wit, and, as he says 'ease on the eyes'. He spent the entire night trying to convince me to trade in my tie for their dresses, so it would be something akin to "hey there, can you please give me your dress and I will give you my tie". Obviously I had no intention of doing so: Mr 69 - that is a dumb move: they are not going to strip for you.

I will desist from writing more about Mr 69's antics, particularly with regards to his footwear.

I am way to wasted to write anything properly and I hope to put this post up better soon. I am just astounded at how someone can serve such a huge lobster to each person as an entre, and then go on to some very expensive main meals.

On the plus side, JP's band has improved since O-week 2003. I recall quite vividly his determination for me to let him play (and I was far too wasted to resist) only to find that his tunes weren't exactly amongst the best - I mean they were better than me (because I am more of an orchestra type player) - but to cut to the crunch, I avoided the mainwalkway when he was playing. I was getting called by many clubs who were telling me I was scaring the first years away with my music.

JP has improved a lot since then.

- I am too tired.

New house

This is an incomplete post

Riding a bicycle to Melbourne

I am riding a bicycle to Melbourne with one of my friends, and for that we need a bicycle (obviously). Hence, we went to a bike shop and asked them for rental and purchase prices. It turns out that renting a bike for one month is more expensive than buying the actual bike. That is stupid and makes no sense.

I think that this is something similar to the restaurant theory, its quite obvious that you can recoup your investment in a bicycle by renting it out once for a month.

As a result of all of this, we found it would be cheaper to buy a bodgy bike, which is what we are going to do. We will then ride it, and if it breaks down return it to the store we bought it from (which means there is a chance we get to travel for free).

I also found out that nobody wears stackhats anymore. I used to wear a stackhat. As a result of this rort I have been forced to buy a new helmet.

-I may be the bicycle's engine, but my friend is the wind resistor.

Restaurant Theory

I have been to many restaurants, none of which will ever beat the novelty of eating a kebab at douehi salon, but which are nonetheless good. I have often wondered how they make money and I was certain that it was from their bodgy overpriced drinks.

You see, what restaurants do is they give you the overpriced drink first, so you finish it, and thus when you eat you haven't got enough drink left and need to order another one because your food is so salty that it makes you thirsty. Thus they make money.

However, they also have a random other way of making money. Have you ever got a really dodgy dish which looks more overpriced than the drinks and fishier than the sardine in my back pocket? I have many times. I have realised that often restaurants will have, what I call "rip off dishes" which people order by mistake.

The novelty of this is that their friends get better dishes, so they eat there again and think that they will get something better next time. However, it is too late, and you have been rorted already. Thats how restaurants make money.

I know this because I ordered a bodgy meal once, and then went to the same restaurant again a couple of days later to order a better meal. Of course I was wise to their game, but being with the same group of people meant they all got bought out by this scam. Its a good thing they are friends with me or they'd have no one to help them in these cases.

-Everyone knows restaurants are dodgy and that I am the master when it comes to identifying scams.

Why me?

My sister is a fan of latino music and she plays it every morning on her computer and wakes me up. It is terrible. Ricky martin, Jlo, Enrique, even Julio's classics. Its just so loud and irritating. I can't believe people listen to this kind of music while innocent people like myself suffer under the brunt of this garbage.

I have decreed that all such music shall henceforth be called "khraab" which means 'something of enormously poor quality' in Urdu. My sister listens to khraab music.

-my sister also listens to 'shrill' music.

Quiz submitted by my sister

My sister wrote a quiz about me. She thinks this website does not accurately portray the wonderful and shining character that I am. I have to warn you, there are some deliberate errors in this quiz which exist only to embarrass me. I am sure that you can put any anomaly which sounds uncool in the 'bodgy box'. Here it is:


The Gulfam Ahmed Quiz

So, you think you know Gulfam, or “Dr. G”? But do you really know him, like the kind of person he is beneath his crusty exterior - “breen” hair, gross yellow shoes (soon to be replaced by bargain shoes from Kmart) and other fashion faux pas? Well, if you’ve been coming to his blog to find out more about the man who played the unknown police officer in “med revue” of 2002 (yes, those groupies are still disturbing him), then you’ve come to the wrong place. This blog reveals nothing about his true character and having known the dude all my life (and I am above the age of 5), I know everything about him. So, how well do you know him?

1) What did Gulfam buy his sister for her 5th birthday? (Someone who truly knew Gulfam, and has been a recipient of one of his gifts, would know the answer to this).
a. The Barbie she really wanted.
b. A plethora of “you have turned 5!” memorabilia, courtesy of hallmark.
c. A splinter doll (rat from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).
d. A playschool sing-a-long tape.

2) Gulfam is famous for…
a. His homemade chocolate brownies.
b. Being “horizontal to the earth”.
c. Being a down to earth and caring person.
d. Nothing. I didn’t even know he existed till I was redirected to this website. Does anyone know where I could purchase an air mattress online?

3) What extra-curricular activity did Gulfam take up in year 7, but to my disappointment, ditch?
a. Cricket – it’s such a cool sport, how could he do that?
b. Polo – I love horses and know that deep down; he does too – just because he kept stepping in poo…
c. Debating – the fact that he left it is a sign of weakness.
d. Rowing – how else was he going to get muscley and cool?

4) What fascinates Gulfam about Enrique Iglesias?
a. His father Julio. As a lover of Latino music, he can’t believe that so much talent could run in one family.
b. His oversized mole (which was recently surgically removed). Gulfam can’t understand why he didn’t have it removed earlier.
c. His voice. Gulfam is amazed at the vocal range of Enrique, and finds his songs so deep and meaningful, that he often weeps upon hearing them.
d. The fact that he has a fan club. Like seriously, the guy sounds like a parrot and his songs, with lines like, “you can run, you can die but you can’t escape my love” leave little hope for the girl or boy he stalks.

5) If Gulfam were to be any character on Frasier, who would he be? (There is an actual answer)
a. Frasier
b. Niles
c. Marty
d. Daphne

SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWERS

Well, that’s all. If you scored 5/5, congrats! You know the guy. Woohoo!
Those of you who scored 4, don’t be too disappointed. Scoring 3 doesn’t make you a loser either, it just means that you are a social pariah, for not knowing about the “it” boy. If you scored 2 or less, it’s probably time for you to start showering him with “gifts of apology”. Just for the record, musically he is a fan of Enrique, Jlo and any kind of hip hop and R&B, so perhaps get him posters/CD’s of his favourite artists. He has also always wanted a denim jacket, as well as an all Burberry shirt (tan Burberry, not black Burberry), so for those of you who scored zero, that may well be an option.

ANSWERS:
1. c, 2. b, 3. c, 4. b, 5. a

(This quiz was submitted by Niles Crane. No, I am not “like 40”, I just look mature for my age).

New Shoes

I was forced to buy new shoes for my cricket games. Hence I headed down to my local Kmart where I found a pair of dunlop (or some other tyre brand) shoes marked for sale at $19.94. What great value!

It was at this point that I had a complete surprise - the shoes scanned in at only $9.95 which was almost a 50% discount. It was also very cheap (almost as cheap as my $5 haircuts).

I remember when I was in primary school a girl boasted to me that she bought a pair of shoes for $8, but I think I got a better deal here. You see, that girl got bowling shoes and they were ugly and gross. I got a brand new pair of decent looking white shoes, which, after you take into account inflation, were probably cheaper than hers. Take that Ms Giglioti!

I am just so excited about my shoes. They are cheap, and look OK. They are also cool (because I wear them).

-I like discounts and cheap stuff.

The New 'it' Boy

To belatedly welcome the new year in on a blindingly good note, I have declared myself the new 'it' boy of 2004. Move over Travis Fimmel, Blah Blah and La La, there's a new man in town and his name is Dr. G. I've got all the moves, the physique and the striking good looks. Now, I have my trademark 'brown and green hair' to complete my attache.

Yes folks, I have coloured my wonderful locks a hip new shade of 'breen'. Gone are the days where 'black is the new black'. It's all about breen now. I have declared it, and so shall it be.

Where did I get my mane done? I did not go to a 'Toni & Guy' or a 'Noddy's' or some random hairdresser named 'Joh Bailey'. Instead, I did the ultra-classy thing and got my sister to peroxide and fudge my hair. It looks too good.

- I am too cool for school

Shifty people

I have a friend who is about as shifty as the gear stick on a manual car. He has this "two timing" theory when it comes to girls, and he believes that he can go out with a different person every day.

The problem with my friend, who for the purposes of this blog I shall name Mr Shift, is that he needs someone to go out with the first time. As he is unable to achieve this, he cannot possibly fulfil his theory. However, I am torn as to whether to feel pity for this friend. I am in awe as to his overwhelming confidence when it comes to girls, especially given he seems to have little to no success.

He has probably been the best encyclopedia for women when it comes to rejecting men. He knows how to be rejected and how to behave when it happens. He is also able to teach women how to reject men without them knowing. For example, Mr Shift once was told by a girl that she could not attend a formal with him because she was busy, however he had neglected to tell her the date - so how could she know she was busy!

He also had a girl open the door for him at his work, and then she ran away.

In short, this friend has unusual problems with women, and his shifty attitude doesn't help. One day he will listen to his mum and marry her choice.

-how did I get involved in this?

Swapping/cleaning shows

Whats going on on TV these days? There is an absolute plethora of household related shows. Now I am someone who finds housework boring and tries to avoid it by watching TV, so for me the last thing I want to do is watch someone doing housework in someone else's house on TV.

There are shows like backyard blitz which helps gardens in trouble, the auction show about people buying a house at an auction and even dodgy junk like 'wife swap'. How does wife swap work?

One of the shows is called changing rooms, where you do random stuff to someone else's room. I would not let any of my friends do stuff to my room, because I know for a fact that I would get it back painted pink with teddy bears. I know this because if I did a friend's room, they'd find they have a massive enrique iglesius mural on their roof so they can stare at it while they try to get to sleep.

I seriously don't understand what kind of idiotic people watch this. I would be happy for backyard blitz to come and fix my garden. The other day I had to weed the garden and a friend came over to watch (not help) because he thought it was funny to see me suffering.

I don't think anybody watches these TV shows, and their ratings must be artificially maintained by people hoping they can get someone else to renovate their toilet while they watch the cricket.

Wife swap makes sense, there is probably someone out there who thinks that they can make someone else suffer by giving them their wife, and I don't doubt that they are wrong. But no one wants to see other people suffer like that, its not as funny. If you are a girl you'd be offended, and if you are a guy you'd know that behaviour like that is simply not on.

This kind of stuff is funny as a prank, but when it comes to entertaining TV I would rather watch the weather channel. It simply serves to remind us that our backyard is in need of even more work because there are idiots out there who are so influenced by these shows that they choose to start renovating their own houses.

-if you are on the backyard cleaning show please come to my house

Plagiarism

Hey, I am directing this post to all the morons out there - if you don't have the wit, charm or skill to write your own stories, why not plagiarise mine? I mean, everyone else seems to be doing it.

It seems that rather than getting people to learn from me and develop their own sense of selves, they have become so ingratiated and enthralled that they decide to try to be me. They copy my blogs for their own blogs.

Plagiarism is a tool for those people who are either lazy, stupid or incapable of having their own opinion. I am happy for these people to adopt my opinions because it will make them seem much smarter to the rest of the world, and more tolerable at that, but if they totally copy me, well, that is just rude. Thats about as smart as using a coconut seed to grow an apple tree. It just doesn't make sense.

If you want to copy my writing style, I am honoured. Of course you'll only ever be a cheap copy, much like a "niek" brand shirt I found in Thailand which is clearly a dodgy copy of another brand marketed to people who cannot read, or read very poorly, thus ensuring they don't notice the difference between it, and Nike - but thats for another post.

In short, don't copy me completely, write your own stuff. You can quote me by all means, but copying an entire blog is just a bit too much if you are simply being lazy. If you were a farmer I can guarantee you'd have no capsicums on your land.

- If you feel the need to plagiarise me, make sure you are used to dunking your head in a toilet that is being flushed because you'll find thats going to be happening to you a lot.

Reader Contributions - Plastic Surgery

Occasionally a reader will have an opinion which I MOSTLY agree with, and write about a topic so well that I needn't rephrase it myself. I have received one such email, and to the credit of the writer, it was as fresh to read as eating capsicum on a warm summers day.

There are of course some elements of this which are wrong, e.g. the parts about Australian Idol and Denim, but on the whole I thought that removing parts of it would detract from the overall written expression.

Here it is:

I thought an interesting topic for your blog may be plastic surgery. I was recently watching T.V. and was alarmed to discover that they had created a new reality T.V. show where they gave insecure viewers the opportunity to have extreme changes made to their body via the use of plastic surgery. Now surely you see this as worse than Australian Idol. In one of the episodes I watched, a woman had her body completely changed - eyes, nose, lips, breasts, hair, skin colour, stomach, ears - so but the end, she looked completely different. What happens is people write in - this particular woman wrote in to say she wanted surgery because she was going to a high school reunion, a school where they used to tease her about her looks - and wanted to look better. So they took her to the "best plastic surgeons in America" and changed her. The sad part is she wasn't ugly to begin with, but by the end, she'd had so much plastic surgery that she just looked fake.

Plastic surgery is fine if you need it - for example, if you are a burns victim, but this show just capitilises on the insecurities and low self esteems of women and men. Instead of making them see that their life is not dependant on how they look, they opt to change them physically (as opposed to mentally, a better alternative). This basically sends out the message that looks are everything, and everyone should try to look like a particular type of person. Anyway, in the episode I was watching, the woman had a son who started crying when he saw her, which according to those around him, was because "he was just so happy". The reality is he probably looks a lot like his mother, and now he feels ugly, because she had to go out and change her entire figure. Couldn't she just have left it at a face lift? This woman was married with a child/children, so her life could not possibly be that bad.

The reality is, this show encourages insecure people with low self esteems to go out and have plastic surgery, just so they can look like the latest hot shot, instead of making them see that they can be happy with the way they look, and perhaps a bit more exercise. But like the 80's went out of fashion, so will their plastic and fake looks. I've herd of people getting lip jobs, nose jobs and botox, but a fully body makeover is pretty extreme. As is extreme makeovers. So attack this show on your blog, because Australian idol and denim are both cool, whereas "extreme makeovers" are too extreme and simply creepy.


-here here (for the plastic surgery bit only).

I feel like abusing someone

I feel like abusing someone. Why aren't any of those moronic randoms who add me on msn because they hope I may be a chick online right now? I get so much f-cking spam from those shits but they aren't here when I actually want them.

I tried abusing one random who didn't reply (obviously), but I have nothing else. I am not going to ramble on this blog as it isn't the place (I mean, only intelligent conversation happens here) and abusing another person on their blog is out of the question.

Oh well.

-where are all the idiots when you need them?

I have deleted/censored this post

This particular entry is difficult to qualify with a single title as it involves a lot of stupid acts across a broad spectrum.

I am referring to particular incidents which occurred on X. Being the lucky man I am, I found myself in the company of two friends for the initial portion of that night and we decided to X.

One of my friends X in the middle of nowhere.

Motivated and excited by the raw enthusiasm of this particular individual, we set out to a desolate and random place. This place was particularly unusual, but being in the safety of X, we felt safe, knowing that however many druggos there may be, none would dare venture near us.

The X to be, took the X and had been X. In fact, you aren't supposed to X.

He promptly got off the curb and we were confronted with a X sound. "what the f-ck is that?" asked the other X, who had only recently worked out how to X and had been holding it "manually" prior to that.

We X. It was huge. The X. It needed to be X.

Armed with my knowledge of X I set out to find X. Being a X, I assumed that there would be one. Guess what?

I found X. That is tantalisingly painful.

Meanwhile we caught the attention of some old and senile cripple in the house next to X. He watched us for 10 mins, frequently entering and exiting his house before telling us X. Thanks moron, we were just sitting on the road to admire the view of your house.

We felt unwelcome and X, much akin to a jackhammer on a rusty pipe - and, I will confess, it was embarrassingly loud.

It was at this point that we really learned how dumb some people are. Despite this loud sound and that X, people kept yelling out to us X. No shit moron, I can hear the sound - I need X.

Everyone was more than willing to tell us X, but no one would X. We were trying to find parking and passed X, and everyone turned and X. Its as if we didn't notice, or as if they didn't notice we had just acknowledged to the person right next to them X.

I mean, how dumb can you get. Its X and telling us isn't going to fix it, especially if we have X.

I think the implication can only be X. With brains like that he/she should be out there fighting crime and going for world peace, not looking after X.

So there I was, trapped in the middle of nowhere with two friends and being offered drugs and good wishes from people who had the combined intellect of a bug that lives on a pineapple tree.

-throw the idiot magnet into the sea, and keep it away from me

I followed your advice Ray. This post will live in memory only. I don't want to get rid of it entirely because otherwise it will seem there has been a massive gap in my blogging. To all the readers who did not read this post earlier: make of it what you will.