Verbal complaint

I receive many complaints via email and msn, however, I am often subjected to people's problems in real life. One such complaint came from S.Cai (or perhaps for the sake of anonymity I should call him Steve C.) regarding the links on my sidebar. The particular link he has issue with is the one titled "steve cai" which is linked to Christine Tran's new website.

This is a particularly sensitive issue for Steve because Christine once wanted to go out with him. However, Steve wasn't likeminded - but did promise to call her if he were to change his mind.

Unfortunately I will not be taking the link down. I will, however, take the unusual step of noting the complaint online for the benefit of those who may use the link. It comes down to how good a person I am. I am such a great guy. Everyone likes me.

So please understand the history of these two people before you use the link.

- I am a really great guy.

Funny joke

The other day a friend of mine was holding a water pistol. His intention was obviously to wet someone. I ran up to him and said "can I borrow your water pistol?".

He looked at me strangely and then gave it to me. As soon as I had it in my hands I shot some cold water into his face. I then returned the water pistol and ran away.

-hahahaha

Pansy

Some people are just born dumb and they then spend their entire lives trying to graduate from The Oxford School of Moron. I recently met a complete dumbass who thought he could convince me that I could not see what was effectively right in front of my face.

I angrily spoke to him over the phone and said "look, moron, I can see it right here! How can you say it doesn't exist?" and then he would say "I am confused" to which I would reply "thats because you are a total idiot".

This is actually a circular conversation, which means we say the same things over and over. The only change is the slight adaptation he makes to his story based on the previous cycle, in the hope that I will be fooled 'the next time', which is no more than 1 minute later. How does this kind of idiot come into existence? Furthermore, why do I end up having to talk to him? What have I done to deserve this - I mean I am a good guy who teaches other people to be cool by way of a classy website. I could be doing something better right now, but I choose to help the less fortunate.

I am starting to think he may be the product of some voodoo spell to reduce the average IQ of the human being until we are all capable of speaking 'idiot' at a fluent level.

-I think my neighbour's dog taught this guy who to bark like a wild animal being chased by a dodgy goose.

Don't email me in code

Someone emailed me in code - either that or there is a talking rabbit out there...

Greetings Dr. G,

I am a rabbit from the planet Rabbitron. I have ventured far and wide in search of knowledge. I have some 132 children with my mate and I do believe that I am not in the greatest of spirits at the moment. What I thought was an infallible family unit has turned out to be nothing of the sort.

My female bunny is demanding so much of me. She keeps asking me for the same comb that I use because she fears she cannot comb her own hair properly. To me her hair is fine. I have told her many times. I even bought her her own comb. I don't want to lend her my comb anymore because I need it. Now she thinks its all about me. I only lent her my comb so she could get used to it and get her own comb but thats not happening. I want my comb back!

Dear Rabbit,

The highest sailing fish is often the last to leave the port.

Dr G.

-I can also say stuff that doesn't make sense.

My birthday

Its my birthday today - and I am now 21 years of age. I would like to thank all of my wonderful friends who gave me their well wishes and many fantastic gifts, or who simply graced me with their wonderful presence!

I would particularly like to thank my organising committee, speech makers and my friends who made this day all the more memorable and fun. You know who you are, and if it weren't for the nature of this blog I would definitely write down your names!

Gulfam (Dr G)

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is always an interesting time of year, as are most of the 'present giving' days which make the hole in your pocket even bigger. These days seemingly just exist to boost the economy through increased spending, though I have realised that despite all of this, it is still virtually impossible to ignore. The reason is simple - too many people follow it so you end up having to do SOMETHING aswell.

Now don't get me wrong, I mean, I will concede that these days may make some people happy - however, for me personally I can just imagine certain people having difficulties. For example, my friend Mr 69 Cai tried to court a girl by sending her an email from the "69stevecaitoday@hotmail.com" email address. His intent was perhaps a bit too forward, especially given he forwarded this to numerous people.

This does not compare with another person, named "marcus" who decided to court a girl by standing outside her window with a banjo singing "all I need is you" - a song which even Guy Sebastian can't sing properly.

However, perhaps the funniest present was from Kent Ham who telephoned 'Jasmine' and claimed to be a secret admirer whilst his family yelled "kent, get off the phone" in the background.

My blog wouldn't be the same without the classic idiot gift. This year the award goes to "Hugh G. Rection" who sent threw a brick threw his girlfriend's (skye) window which had "I love you" scrawled on it in black texta and fine print which stated "please don't make me pay for your window".

- Idiots can bring joy to any day if you are merely a spectator.

Imitating other people

I don't know why people just don't be themselves around other people. The reality is, people like you for who you are, so why do you bother being someone else? I mean, if they liked that someone else surely they'd be their friend instead of yours.

Well, my friend, whose name I shall not mention (lets just call him "0405 108 668") decided that after a 20 year drought, the more recent years being even more painful, that he would change his ways. He badly needs a woman/man.

I learned to my disgust that he had recently downloaded 'larry the lounge lizard' which is a game about a sleazy guy who is rejected by every girl he knows. Now Phil really looks up to this character and has decided to be like him, in the hope of finding a partner. All of a sudden "hey there, I think your dress looks better on the floor than on you" goes from being a no-no to an absolute must.

All of a sudden he is using lines like "hey there, I have a condom. I can use it to have sex with you". These lines don't work. Now one half of his face is permanently red, and we all know that is not from having only one side of his face exposed to the sun courtesy of a 'broken window' in his bedroom.

I think this person is a great guy, but his lines are about as straight at a bow and about as solid as a leaky tap. Please don't imitate Larry.

- I am going to call my friend larry from now on.

My Heart Will Go On

Celine Dion is dodgy. Jared the Subway Man is dodgy. But why do people think that I am dodgy? I am Dr. G. I have a doctorate in coology. Every time I open my inbox, I get a massive influx of letters from disgruntled husbands and brothers telling me I am not cool. But I am. I also get loveletters. Lots of them.

People write about how crap my advice is. But its good. I don't have any problems because I listen to my own advice.

In other news, my hair has ceased being breen, so hence breen is no longer the new 'black'. Black is now the new 'black'.

- I don't put the 'dodge' back in 'dodgy'.

Bike trip

My cycle trip is best summarised as a story about a sore arse, a spanner, and going "gung ho" down a mountain.

- Michael Jackson likes customised bike seats. He also likes getting random cyclists to 'whip out' their spanners.

Request for advice

Dear Knowledgeable Dr. G,
 
I have a problem and I know that only you can help me solve it:
 
My friends love my brother and I think that they only hang out with me so they can be near him. I get really depressed because I don't think I have any real friends. I also like to eat garlic bread and not brush my teeth. What do I do?
 
Please help me because I am really confused and I'm starting to think my teeth are yellow.
 
Depressed and Yellow, NSW.

---------

Dear Depressed and Yellow,

You are an almost perfect individual. You have realised I am knowledgeable and able to solve all problems and you are correct. With perceptive skills like that you should really be out there solving crimes and finding the cure for cancer.

That being said, its quite obvious even to a buffoon that I am all knowledgeable, wise, smart, beautiful and the 'it' boy. For that reason you may be wrong about your brother, you may be right. In the end it doesn't matter. My site is loyal to everyone and will treat your brother and you the same.

Oh yeah, about the yellow teeth: Try brushing your teeth, dimwit.

Dr G.

More fanmail

Date: Wed, 04 Feb 2004 08:02:31 +0800

From: manoj dias-abey

To: gulfam@unsw.edu.au

Subject: [No Subject]

I just saw your blogspot. YOU ARE SUCH A DICK! I can't believe you mentioned my name- so much for guaranteeing
my anonominity.

Your dead breen boi!

Dear George Michael,

If you think I am a dick I better avoid going into any toilets with you.

Dr G.

---

Hello Dr. G,
Would you say that your style of expression was similar to that of Bill
O'Reilly, in that you are both totally biased and do not allow for others to
respond?
Kind regards,
Anon.


Dear Anon.,

No, you are totally wrong. I do let others respond (for instance Manoj above, and you at this point in time) and you are given your chance to contribute. If your contributions are junk that people will find boring I do not post them. For example, Christine Tran was overly incensed over comments made about Phillip Chin (for whatever reason) but her complaint was boring so I did not write it up.

However, her complaint was noted.

The spin really does stop here at this blog. Come here for fair and balanced news and opinions which you can freely contribute to - however, you must understand that this blog is also about educating people who do not have the intelligence to form a good opinion on particular matters.

I have won various awards for my real and practical advice.

Dr G.

George Michael

Today I met a good friend who had recently returned from a trip overseas. The baggage from this trip appeared to be a new look - but much to my dismay that look was of the ever uncool and unpopular George Michael. I do not know what drove him to malign his image to the point where people would be forced to associate him with toilet cubicles, but my dismay was obvious.

For the purposes of anonymity, I shall henceforth refer to this friend as "George Michael". Manoj, I know you love your favourite singer, but for your sake and mine please don't be so obvious about it. That being said, I am not so shallow as to judge you for this, so regardless you will always be my friend. Perhaps you can spin yourself as being Craig David because he is also pathetic but at least he isn't as dirty as the inside of a pig's nostril.

-George Michael is dirty. Contact George Michael by clicking on his name on the sidebar.

Question for Dr G

What is a metro? and y would you want to be one?

anon.


-----

Dear anon,

I would suggest you use a dictionary to locate your answer and I do so for two reasons:

1. You cannot spell so I think you would benefit from using it;

2. You clearly have no sense of syntax and that may be in large part due to your severely deficient vocabulary. It would be beneficial for you to read a part of the dictionary, or any book rather. Read "red riding hood" - I think its the next stage after "Spot, The adventures of".

With regards to being a metro, I think you have nothing to worry about.

Dr G.

Request for advice from Dr G.

Dear Dr G.,

I want to give my boyfriend a good present for his birthday. I really do love him, and I think its time I told him. It may sound old and cliched, but I want to get him something symbolic - you know, like a mini key so he has the 'key to my heart' or a switch so he can 'turn me on'.

From anonymous

----

Dear anonymous,

(stunned silence...) Maybe you are better off giving him a bonsai or something. Unless you know him really well, giving him a key or a defunct light switch will just freak him out.

You are strange.

Dr G.

I got a hattrick

You know you've had a boring day when its highlight was going to Franklins to buy some dishwashing powder. I was woken early by the desperate calls of my mother to tell me that I was causing our entire household to be late to my uncle's house for a function he was holding. My response was a mix of the usual 'what function/I wish I had a gameboy to take with me" feeling and eventually I woke up and we left.

It was really boring. I continued the tradition of falling asleep on a sofa in his house, and given this is the third time in a row in the last 6 months I scored myself a hat trick. I don't know why I go to these, I don't do anything but sleep. I at one stage left to go to the toilet because I was so bored: when I returned I found there was only one new guest who had arrived in that time, and that that guest was Amjad. I was even more bored.

Somewhere along the line I escaped and started watching the cricket upstairs. These functions are designed such that the men and women sit separately. In short, the little kids had taken over the 1st storey, the women had taken over the second storey and the women with babies had taken over part of the top storey. The men were all crammed on a balcony and I had to sit next to Amjad. This also meant that I couldn't talk to my sister, who, being the popular person she is, made friends with 4 other girls and was the centre of their overtly exiting conversation.

When I went upstairs my little cousin decided that my hair colour warranted naming me after a little girl in some kids show. Of course that meant that I started calling her 'hey arnold' because of her non-existant football head. In reality thats the only name I could think of in my half asleep state.

I quickly fell asleep and some little kid (maybe my cousin) was kissing my arm. That was really random.

I went out to get dishwashing liquid when they ran out of cutlery. Given its my uncle's function I am not really considered a guest, which means all the formalities of the household apply to me: namely "move the toy truck out of the way of Amjad, eat last, serve people tea and go grocery shopping". At least he now has a maid who does some of that stuff.

- If you wonder why I don't socialise it's because I am far younger than all his friends and we have absolutely nothing in common except that we are at the same place at the same time. I am of course a king pin social elite, but even my masterful skills cannot be applied here.