Farts

Farts are funny and always have been. I think the only consistently funny thing in history is someone farting at an inappropriate time. However, there is nothing funny if you are stuck in the elevator and you can taste someone's baked beans breakfast, only once its passed through their butt.

Farts smell bad. There is nothing good about them. I knew a guy who told me:

"better let it out and stink a little, than keep it in and cripple"

I avoided that guy after that.

A fart is often accompanied by a witch hunt to find the perpetrator, and there are a few rules that I have heard of:

1. "Whoever smelt it dealt it". This is based on the fact that anatomically your butt is right next to your nose, and despite them being on different sides in real life, the fart still has a tendency to find it. Alternatively, by pretending it wasn't you everyone might blame the guy you are sitting next to.

2. "Whoever made the rhyme did the crime". This is the defence to a "whoever smelt it dealt it attack" yet it in itself is a rhyme and often results in confusion. Is it a confession of the new contribution to the greenhouse effect, or just an ill placed ploy to blame someone else.

3. "You made the rhyme so you did the crime". This is just another ironic line which makes the whole concept of a witch hunt in finding a farter more of a farce.

Farts are also well disguised, and come under various names:

"Michael's gas"
"Stink"
"Fluff"
"invisible crap"
"boo"
"smelly"
"poisonous gas"
"please help me I can't breathe"

I will continue this topic in the next post. Thats all for now.

- If you and only one other person are in an elevator don't fart because they'll know it was you. It doesn't matter if you are the best actor in the world, you aren't going to convince them otherwise.

Congratulations Phil

Phil has his last ever exam on this Friday and, assuming he passes everything (which he will) he will graduate. Well done, Phil, and I hope the future brings you much successes.

- yay!

Punk'd

Punk'd is the name of a poor quality TV show on MTV. It involves playing pranks on random celebrities. These pranks are about as entertaining as a watermelon sandwich on a sunny day - in short - its all soggy and nobody's laughing. Well, the host laughs, but he's really stupid.

I can prove he is stupid because he was on "dude where's my car?" with Stifler from American Pie. The two of them spent days looking for their automobile only to find that it was either stolen by an alien or they didn't have one.

The Punk'd guy decided to play a prank on his viewers. He told everyone the show was finished for good. I was really happy because I thought they might replace it with something else. MTV has notoriously lacklustre shows like "watch ozzie osbourne's family" and "watch jessica simpson's life". Nobody cares about these people. It is no wonder that under this environment, Punk'd managed to get itself the name of 'best show on MTV'.

Its highest accolade was convincing Justin Timberlake that he no longer owned his house. Justin Timberlake is as dumb as a wooden plank and twice as thick. Making him look stupid is no greater achievement than tuning a VCR.

In short, when they said the show was over I was happy. It wasn't. They "punk'd" me. Great work dweebs.

- Punk'd is about as cool as the paper cup I routinely crush under my left boot.

Fact checking

It has been alleged that a certain person has his contact details listed everywhere. If this is true, then you will be able to recognise him based on these details.

My question is simple - To whom do these details belong?

Address: 3 Brook st (suburb censored) NSW Australia (postcode censored)
Phone (mobile): 04X5 1X8 668
Phone (home): 96Y1 1YY1
Phone (home2): 97YY 0515

- Do you recognise this person?

Dr G listens to his readers

I am getting various messages, emails, phone calls, and the like from people who claim that I am not representing them and that I make misleading comments. These apocryphal comments are about as useful as a rats tail on a donkey.

The veracity of these claims is at best dubious. My blog is fair and balanced and the only source for reliable information, entertaining ideas and jokes. I have therefore instituted a comments section where you can put your thoughts, as stupid as they may be, and I will respond and explain to you why you are stupid and why I am the Great Dr G.

To those readers who have benefitted from my wit and charm this is your chance to find out more, and I shall explain concepts in more depth so that you can realise your dreams of becoming like me.

- I am such a nice guy

I am a master chef

Of course, being Dr G automatically makes me good at everything. I have a story, a personal one actually, to tell you. It is about a friend of mine who you haven't heard of yet, his full name is Matthew Selwyn Dornan and he can't cook at all. In fact, he has no idea and he is scared of spiders too. I won't tell you about what he gets up to at his job as a Valet.

He comes over to my house in 1999 or 2000 and we are both hungry, but unfortunately there was no pre-made food in the fridge thus necessitating some form of cooking. We decided on two things:

1. Some form of pastry with meat inside
2. TWO minute noodles

Before we even get to the cooking, Matthew decided to tell me he was a chef, which he clearly wasn't. We then had an argument over which one was the oven and which one was the griller. I, of course, was right. Its my house afterall, and we have an oven/griller.

Once we had established I was right, it was up to him to turn on the oven. He turned on the griller. As a result, the outside shell was rock hard and pitch black, resembling a burnt thong, while the inside was as cold as an african gelato. Yuck.

I decided, stupidly in hindsight, to give him another chance with the two minute noodles. Yes, even I, the Great Dr G make mistakes sometimes. He took 20 minutes and tried to teach me a convoluted process involving various flow charts and, what later became Enron's corporate group diagram for their SPE's. Thats right, it was a mess - akin to a burrito which has been left on the bus and stepped on by unsuspecting passengers.

I later explained to him that by boiling the water first and then adding it to the noodles you can make them in 2 mins. He pretended he knew that and said "yeah, well by using the stove and doing X, Y, Z it tastes better". No, Matthew, two minute noodles are not a gourmet meal, and the seasoning isn't specially imported from South American, and they are certainly not from an exotic herb. Its just a cheap noodle from a supermarket.

- Matthew also got 'violated' by a girl in a car trip when they went on a road trip together and were stuck in the middle of nowhere.

My blog is better than all the others

There are a number of blogs I view regularly, and with the scope of whats out there I realise that you, my fine readers, are actually a lucky bunch. Everyone's blog is, at best, mildly amusing whereas mine is factual, informative and funny.

I will make some quick comparisons:

Steve Cai: Steve's blog is only updated when he is "sick" and therefore cannot go to an exam. While it may be amusing, it is largely about Phil, and so if you do not know Phil, his blog will be crap.

Phil: Phil tries to maintain a semblance of integrity but he has none. What I have realised about his blog is that his integrity is at its highest, when the situation is at its most hypothetical. This is true for him in real life too.

Christine: Christine never updates her blog, so re-reading old material is just not fascinating. Its most updated part is a tagboard about why steve cheated on phil by using his hand to 'manipulate' himself.

Jen: Jen's blog hasn't been updated since the exams of s2 2003. Plus she's lost her comments section. There is absolutely nothing to do at her blog.

Susan: Susan writes interesting posts. I personally think her blog is by far the best alternative blog, however it is not often updated.

Vivien: The best thing about her blog is how frequently it is updated. There is always something new to read if you wish to read it. Unfortunately the fun factor dies if, having read an entire post, you wish to make a witty remark because she deletes them from her comment section.

Angela/Tracy: I must commend this site. They had an article recently about 'haircuts' which I thoroughly enjoyed. However, that article was as rare as a purple banana on a pogo stick.

Danny: His blog never gets updated.

I can't think of anyone else's blogs that I visit on a regular basis. I would say this, if you are not on this list your blog may be too uncool for me to have picked up by osmosis (yes, even I, the Great Dr G makes mistakes). If you want me to write about your blog then email me.

This is going to be the start of a random analysis of blogs. Send me pages you want me to 'review'.

- I made this post just so I could say that Phil's integrity is at its highest when the situation is at its most hypothetical.

Big Boobs

Yeah I knew that would get your attention you horny toad - you will be disappointed because I am not going to show you any pictures nor am I going to sell you any "goat weed". This is a serious article following one written by someone else (but a precursor to this one). Confused? Don't worry, I am going to talk about tits soon.

The other day I was buying a potato from the potato shop when a woman ordered her lunch. "I like mushrooms" she stated, and in case I didn't hear her she told me again. I didn't much care about her mushroom infatuation, I mean, I have a friend named Steve Cai who is a mushroom so I would say I am rather overexposed if nothing else.

No, this woman had some weird ass tits. They looked like the pecs of a sumo wrestler and went down to her waist. Furthermore, she had the characteristic 3 rolls and a wet patch under her arm. It was a totally disgusting experience.

I saw the effects of gravity on the women in africa once. They had saggy boobs, much like this woman. It all comes from not wearing a bra. Or so I believe. I am not going to talk about their bras or lack thereof, rather, I will stick to my subject title - big boobs.

What is so special about big boobs. A boy who I call "eunuch" recently told me:

"Oh Great Dr G, I am crap at everything and nobody likes me. Please find me a chick, all I want is that they have big boobs and are skinny"

Well, Steve, I am not sure if I can help you but that does illustrate my point.

A significant proporation of the horny and dirty male population are only attracted to big breasted women. These women have to put up with this type of person.

The other problems they have include:

- Not being able to wear a loose shirt without looking as fat as the side of a standard brick house
- Not being able to wear a tight shirt or singlet because either it won't fit or they will have boob spillage
- Back pain from carrying that sack of weight
- Inability to wear high heels which also hurt your back and are generally dangerous (as I have previously enunciated with remarkable and characteristic clarity).

Thats all I have to say.

If you have big boobs, your life isn't over. Just send an abusive email to steve@unsw.edu.au or subscribe him to porn sites regularly to make yourself feel better. If you have naturally big boobs you can do this too, but you are probably genetically capable of surving with them so you should be fine.

For more information visit the suze.

- Remember, I am a trained and impartial doctor and I am looking out for you!

Revelation

There are three mutually exclusive qualities a film may have in order to get the Dr G seal of approval:

1. Animation
2. Comedy (its actually really funny not 'comedy')
3. Battle Scenes

I recently found a film I rather enjoyed watching. I saw it with my mother and it loosely connects with number 2. It is called "about a boy".

Despite starting off as "shit" because it had Hugh Grant in it, the film actually turned out quite well. I truly enjoyed it. I wasn't sure how this happened because Hugh Grant actually played a leading role and usually he is only there so Oprah Winfrey fans will watch the film (thus a chick flick which has romance).

We all know Romance films are a joke and nobody watches them. I know someone who likes Serendipity (a crap romance film based on "fate") but I later learned her eyesight is very weak (ie minus 7). Obviously she forgot her glasses/contact lenses and sat at the back where the sound quality was bad so is excused.

- Dr G is most understanding and will not draw inferences in these circumstances.

Ripped jeans come from the reject shop

Since I am in the mood for updating old topics, I will, with a heavy heart, revisit the topic of denim. This is because I have a friend who thinks that it is cool to buy dirty and ripped jeans. I told her it is what is known as "second hand product", namely, someone decided they couldn't be bothered stitching their old pair of jeans or even cleaning them and sold them again.

I can't believe someone would want to buy ripped jeans. Thats what you buy from the reject shop - but get this - she actually paid more for it. If you think its bad to pay more for ripped jeans, there is apparently someone ELSE who paid even more to get ripped jeans with liquid paper all over it. Come on, if someone spills crap on your jeans you don't pay for the crap on it, you pay for the fabric cleaner you use to remove it. Its pretty obvious really.

I would say to these people that they are not cool, and perhaps they should buy the trash in my garbage bin. I mean, the pizza carton is made of something that costs money - maybe you can use it as a hat? or some form of alternative sombrero.

The reality is, nobody wears jeans, and nobody likes jeans. If you think that ripped jeans are any different you are deluded, and if you think that dirty ripped jeans are different you need professional help. Jeans are not cool.

-nobody wears jeans

Plagiarism and defamation

The unequivocally noble office of The Great Dr G has recently been under attack. The most critical offender has been Phillip 69 Chin (or soon to be Phillip Cai if he marries his girlfriend who shares the same last name as Steve but, fortunately for Phil, is not related to him). Phillip not only plagiarises my comments, but he deliberately sets out to mislead and misrepresent.

I refer to you to his blog where his writing is as disjointed as a second hand bicycle and his humour is about on par with Beavis' people skills. He steals one of my lines when he refers to Steve's unofficial homosexuality. That line is as follows:

"Its ok if you are gay, I'll still be your friend. Just understand I am not and I will not reciprocate any of your advances"

Phillip is also in love with Steve. By using the lines of someone like myself he seeks to cloak his love for Steve.

Why Phil loves Steve

It is undeniable that Phil calls his 'girlfriend', Cai. This is because that is her last name. So he says "I love you Cai". That way he can pretend it is steve.

Steve

Steve, also known as Beavis, has also been dubbed "69". I think you know how seriously we can take anything he says given he is called a number.

I will say this to clarify: George W Bush calls himself 43. He calls his father 41. He calls Bill Clinton 42. These represent what number President of the United States they were. Steve cai is NOT the 69th President of the united states.

I'd say Beavis has the credibility of his barber, and given his hair looks like a magpie's nest you know for sure that it isn't very high.

Steve and Women

The only woman that Steve gets along with is phiL. He regularly seeks to provide information on his site on how to attract other people. His site regularly, and on a comprehensive basis, lists "techniques" on how to attract "femails". The best I can say is: Steve, that elusive "femail" you seek is not going to materialise, and I don't think you'll have much luck with females either. Better stick with Phil, mate.

-Phil and Steve should keep me out of their love games. I am not interested and never will be.

Beavis

Beavis has implicated me into some sort of love triangle. His story is about as erroneous as his writing style is laboured. I would describe his effort as nothing less than milquetoast. As a result, I have put back up my theory about the real life Beavis and Butthead. It is below.

Beavis, I mean Steve C, nah, better say S. Cai is a eunuch. I'm not being dogmatic when I say that.

- steve loves phil, but phil is taken by a different cai.

Dear Doctor

I got a dear doctor letter. How cool is that - I mean, clearly I am cool and well respected..

Dear Doctor,

I recently ... now I realise that I might not be able to take it as much as I first thought, that means ... do you think this is a bad thing?

Dear Sir,

In a rare show of respect I have edited your letter because I feel you deserve your privacy, but at the same time, I reserve my right to bloviate..

I think your complex feelings are interesting, but not unwarranted. It is not unusual for a person to feel how you feel. Often, I believe, it is a pride issue, and once you conquer that I am sure all will be well. I think its worth remembering that there are plenty of people who are in the same, if not worse or MORE ADVANCED predicaments, and at least you are not unlucky enough to be like them. I can think of a number of my friends who would fall into such a category.

I wouldn't worry about it - no, actually in all honesty something like that would bother me - I guess its up to personal preference. I wish I could advise you more, but I just can't. I will send you more detail in my email response.

Dr G.

Foul play

Does time eventually let us forget what we thought would never leave our memories? I think that’s the essence of growing up, when you realize that all you have to do is take a bb gun and shoot the blazing lights out of it until you feel that a weight or two has lifted from your shoulders. Nb. Violence is bad, and doing it on a half-baked whim is just, not cool. You dig? But, you seriously have to wonder what the crap are these people thinking about in the first place. I reckon these people need a good kick up the backside, and hey I’ll be glad to do it. It’s moments like these, when I get to put on my spanking boots, that I truly treasure life; connecting boot to some deservingly fine piece of arse. My advice is simple and so great that I shall never repeat it again. Stop looking into your own backyard for some miracle, the grass will always been greener where Burke lives. You want to know why? Because he’s as dodgy as the gear-stick of a manual car. Don’t ask just do the math. Go and seek happiness my pretties, time will only tell…

The Dr G has spoken.

Old cartoons are cool

I love the old episodes of transformers and voltron and inspector gadget. They were made in the day when cartoons were good. Xmen was also a good show once believe it or not. Now all of these shows have been 'idiotised' by adding values and issues that no one cares about. What happened to raw action? Thats what we want to see, not pussy "I lost my thongs" rubbish.

I saw an episode of Xmen (a new one) the other day, and it had NO fighting whatsoever. None. What the hell is going on? Who watches shows about people with claws and violent powers to see them talk about how dirty a van can get? Newsflash: Nobody cares about the Xjet, its shit.

Transformers was good until they introduced these "minicons" which harness great power and give the upper hand in a struggle. If there is no struggle, whats the point? These minicons are useless and do nothing by way of entertainment. And what happened to soundwave, probably the best character ever - you can't just ditch class like that. No wonder its crap.

The inspector gadget movie was crap. Why'd they bring in a random chick? They stuffed it up. Nobody wants to see random chick in a movie that doesn't belong there. And Penny was old too. Poor effort.

-idiot filmakers think people won't notice if they change the entire essence of a cartoon when they convert it to a film

Ear Piercing

Piercing of any kind is barbaric. I don't understand why someone would volunteer to have a metal rod shoved violently through their skin and kept there for the rest of their life. It is, quite frankly, disgusting.

Some people even go so far as to pierce the rest of their bodies. Why do you want a ring in your tongue or on your lip? The tongue is probably the worst place because:

a. Nobody sees it
b. It hurts
c. It makes digestion of heavy food stuffs near impossible.

In short, it is a bad idea.

What's even more ironic is the same person who is afraid of a mouse, moth of any other living creature is more likely to want to get this done to them. Do they think its cool to have a hole where one isn't supposed to be? It is not, of that I can assure you.

Ear piercing is a disgusting habit practised by Apes in the sub-saharan African Jungle. Some humans have adopted this practise in the hope of alienating themselves as some sort of monster. It worked.

-even necklaces and bracelets aren't as bad as piercing.

Someone kidnapped my uncle

I have an uncle (actually he is my Mum's first cousin) and the other day he was kidnapped by some random dickhead. I don't know him that well, but its still shit to know that someone is doing this kind of stuff to your relatives.

My relatives are getting picked on these days. I have two stories, I will start with this one first:

My uncle

My uncle was heading home from work in Pakistan. The driver was driving his car and there was nobody around because it was a hot day. They reached the house and buzzed the gate but nobody was home. While they were there another car pulled up beside them and a guy with a gun came out and kidnapped my uncle. They left the driver there.

Of course they want money or something. I don't know the amount. Now my family is wondering who it could be. Was the driver involved? He is from the same group as all drivers are and my uncle had chosen him himself so nobody knows if he is trustworthy. I have no idea myself.

The police have said that only men should answer the phone because kidnappers typically like to manipulate women.

I wouldn't find this situation that bad if it weren't for the fact that despite any payment being made, my uncle may not be returned. Thats pretty shit.

My cousin

My cousin also got picked on recently. He used to do his degree in America at some uni (I can't remember the name) as an international student. Anyway, last break he decided to go back home to Pakistan to live with the rest of his family (I mean, thats pretty normal I would think). When he went back to America to complete his degree he was told at the airport that they thought he was a terrorist and he should catch the return flight home. This return flight came in half an hour. So essentially he had to decide on the spot whether to be detained in barbaric conditions by unsympathetic American authorities (well thats how they themselves described what they would do to him if he stayed) or go home. He chose to go home.

He had to get transfer credits and he is now completing his degree in Pakistan.

- Dr G is not impressed.

Beavis and Butthead are real

I have two friends who resemble beavis and butthead, actually they are beavis and butthead. I will explain:

In order to be beavis and butthead, you need certain qualities, these may be subdivided into internal, personality and relationship attributes, and external, interpersonal relations attributes.

The internal attributes are a three part test: First, you require two close friends who are male and extremely horny. Second, you need to have one of them who leads the other, yet is actually a follower of that other. To explain it would be that one dictates to the other what to do, but copies that other person's mannerisms and behaviour. The third quality is an obsession with pornography, particularly boobs and names such as "hugh g. rection".

A lot of people may fall under the first and third categories, but the second category provides a specific net to catch out the only best.

Once it is determined that a twosome are, indeed beavis and butthead by way of the internal test, the external must be examined. This is specifically the relationship between the two boys and women in general. The beavis must be wooed by many women but just not smart enough to work out how to work with that, while the butthead must possess that intelligence but be a wooer, not a wooee. This wooing must be largely unsuccessful. This is more of a subjective than objective test.

Finally, which one of the two is beavis and which one is butthead? The tests above will determine one to be each, however if there is some overlap you do not have a clearly defilned beavis and butthead and thus your couple are inferior to the ones I have found. Specifically the second internal test and the external test.

Steve and Henry

Lets apply the internal test first:

1. Both steve and henry (last time Phil checked) are male. They are also reported to be horny. Steve was caught in year ten with a bag of porn.

2. The 'leader is the follower theory' is true in this case because Henry, on the face of it, appears to be more normal and approachable, yet he copies on various issues. Henry helped Steve fix his selection of attire, yet often makes decisions on the basis of what steve would do in the same situation. I cannot provide evidence merely because it was told to me in confidence and I have no intention of breaching that trust.

3. The porn obsession is definitely true. Numerous examples support this. First, steve takes his HARDDRIVE to university beacuse he wants to use the fast internet connection to download porn beyond what would ordinarily fit in a 700MB CD. Steve suggested that Henry had a lot of porn, but this was denied by Henry. Henry does, however, love talking about porn and was one of the proponents of the marcus confessions. Objectively, I would describe their fascination as "morbid".

Now to the external test:

Steve gets hit on by many women. Actually, in 2003 a total of 7 girls attempted to woo him through lengthy emails and sms messages, and even verbal encounters. I am not at liberty to name these people, as that would simply be unfair to them and to steve.

Henry is more of a wooer, but has been unsuccessful except for once in Japan where he was wooed and didn't notice until the girl moved to Adelaide.

I dare not talk more on their relations with women, because I want to be able to walk out of my house and conduct my life without fear of reprisal. All I will do is quote a mutual friend, so he can take the stick for this. His name is phillip chin:

"Steve attracts random women that he doesnt want to go out with but manages to remove that attraction quite readily. he is so good at it that even the chicks that he wants to attract feel the effect. It is know as the "steve cai" effect. i dunno about henry"

I then asked a girl who they had tried to hit on (they hit on people in pairs). This is her exact quote:

"sometimes exasperatingly fluid in their intentions and styles, you get the feeling sometimes that you could be a cardboard cutout of a vaguely feminine figure and encounter the same type of dominating indefinite interaction. still, different is good. different can be refreshing, if confusing."

I mean, what more proof do you need. I do not understand what this girl is saying, she sounds like Daria though and I know that Daria describes Beavis and Butthead in the same weird way.

Conclusion

Steve and Henry are beavis and butthead. Steve is beavis and henry is butthead.

-I know steve and henry get offended by this, but its true, and its funny too. I don't mean to offend you.

Christine Tran

This is an open letter to Christine Tran

Dear Christine,

I am aware that you are a sensitive person, and a good person, so purely out of my respect for you I have removed two posts which I believe you were offended by. I did not mean to offend you, I was merely paying you out as I do for everybody else.

For example, Henry You and Steve Cai are next in line as I explain my "beavis and butthead" theory.

I did not mean to offend you, and if I did, then I apologise for it. If I didn't, then I hope you understand that I said is in jest, and nothing more.

Dr G.

US Law Enforcement Agencies

I think the best way for me to pay out this random group of idiots is by way of analogy. I was thinking that if, say, the LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals - I could test them quite easily. Actually, this really did happen. They did come to me, the Great Dr G, to resolve who is better. These are the results: judge for yourself:

I decided to release a rabbit into a forest and have each of them try and catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exsist.

The FBI now goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten racoon. The racoon is yelling, "Okay, Okay!!! Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!"

-hahaha I am glad I do not live there.

Cars

I've always wanted to drive the crappest car possible to uni. I figure if I have a Jemini or anything that resembles a cardboard box with a lawnmower engine, I have supreme dominance over the road. If my car gets smashed or crashed into I won't care - furthermore, I won't have to fix it, I can just ditch it like the banana peel off a banana.

I could park the car anywhere, and if someone stole it, I wouldn't care. Heck, if someone stole it I'd be laughing because they'd probably be pushing the car rather than driving it! I also have a "different" way of parking the car. When I get into a tight space, I use the car in front of me and the car behind me to the maximum advantage - With a good car I would lose that benefit.

Why do people bother buying expensive cars? I don't think they are worth the effort. I think any old bomb will do. I think rich people should buy crap cars so they can park it anywhere and if it gets towed away buy another one because the new car will cost less than the towage.

Some people have a morbid fascination for cars. These people obviously have no life. Cars are boring - much akin to a bedpost.

-people with crap cars rule