Fond memories

Picture this: You are a primary school student and you are going on an excursion to Featherdale Wildlife Park. The day is going well, and you see the class clown, Daniel Ishaak, clowning around.

You observe the boy shaking the cage belonging to a number of birds whilst simultaneously yelling out caveman/tarzan-style sounds. All of a sudden the bird strikes back.

You see a clear and perceptible cylinder come out of the birds ass. This cylinder lands directly in the eye of Daniel Ishaak who then alters his caveman pitch perceptibly to reflect this occurrence.

Thats right, a bird crapped in Daniel Ishaak's eye and more than 10 years later I am still laughing about it.

-hahaha

Johnny Depp

The film industry is in crisis - on no account due to lack of funding, but rather an imperative to boost profits. This has meant cost cutting in various areas. To the discerning viewer, these cuts have only materialised in poor quality, and typically arthouse films. It is only now that it is fast becoming apparent on the screen of mainstream films.

I have made no attempt to hide the trend towards milquetoast films. In fact, the odd rare good film, such as 'American Pie', or 'Welcome to the Jungle' have provided some much needed refreshing relief.

Previously I have explained how Billy and Lance from the cheap soap opera "Neighbours" are in fact, the same person. If you read the names in the credits you will find them both named "Jesse Jackson". This was exploiting a loophole in the award rates for soap opera actors in Australia whereby multiple casting can mean a less than proportionate increase in salary (if any at all).

It turns out America has jumped on the bandwagon, but they have provided a twist. If you look at "The Matrix" and "Once upon a time in Mexico" you will find that both Johnny Depp's character and Trinity's character are played by the same person. If you look closely, you will find that that person is none other than James van der Beek.

It is back to the Shakespearean times where men play the roles of women. Now James Van Der Beek is Trinity from the Matrix and a male character in various other films, including a soap opera called "Dawson's Creek" where he plays the quintessential troubled and hormonal teen, Dawson Leery.

I am quite sure that James Beek is a female, purely because of these hormonal problems. It is troubling to see the affirmative action requirements of the American film industry being abused this way.

-Acting rorts are obvious and should not be condoned

How stupid is steve cai

Steve "the idiot" cai asked me earlier on to provide him some medical information for his interview. He wants to do medicine and has been offered an interview as per the Gamsat test (or whatever it is called) but knows little to nothing about medicine. Fortunately for him, my mother is a doctor.

I asked her for something he could read for his interview, and she handed me a magazine from the AMA which highlights current issues faced by doctors amongst various other things. I asked steve if he wanted this and he said yes.

I do not see Steve much, so I thought that since I was going to the city and driving past his house I'd bring it and give it to him. I go to his house and ring the buzzer. He answers, yet he won't buzz me up (he lives in an apartment). I couldn't hear what he was saying through the buzzer, but I am quite sure it was Steve.

A woman who lives in the building opened the door for me so I went up to his apartment and knocked on the door. Steve failed to answer despite my knocking several times making me look like a total idiot in front of the person who let me in.

I KNEW steve was in there, or at least some member of his family. Given there are only three people who live in his apartment, I was quite sure steve was there. So I stand there, knocking and steve, the moron, pretends he is not home.

Anyway, I just left and gave the magazine back to my mum.

-steve is rude, stupid and definitely an imbecile.

Unusual Viewer Response

Those of you who regularly read the chronicles of the Great Dr G would be well informed on the post I wrote about "big boobs" some time earlier. Often my knowledge of women has bordered on being at the extreme edge of the scale of knowledge - as I always used to say: "asking me about women is like asking an apple tree for an orange"

I still stand by that. Yet, I received an email which I was not sure was appropriate enough to publish. I will publish a part of it. A woman was clearly enthused by my post and decided to photograph her breasts for me:



When I first got this, I was not sure what I should do. how can you respond to such a blatant rebuke to a basic message? In reality, if you are as literate as me in the art of the diplomatic relations with the female, you cannot.

All I can say to the woman who sent me this is this: I get your message, but I stand by what I said earlier.

Steve Cai suggested I ask people to continue sending me these kinds of pictures - preferably without the top, but I do NOT want any. However, Steve does, and he has a blog you can put them up on. From now on please send stuff like this to steve@unsw.edu.au. In the alternate, just subscribe that email address to a porn site.

-Please don't send me rude images.

Reader question

Look at the two photos of Christine Tran from Law ball and tell me if you notice anything. She is wearing black and in both photos if you do not know what she looks like.



Christine is on the left

Christine is on the right


I have seen both and at first I saw something (and after a double take I still do). Please comment.

Photo theory

A friend of mine, clearly deprived of my wisdom and presence, suggested to me last night that:

1. A person can be made to look larger or smaller (weight-wise) by taking a photo from a different angle; and
2. A person who has a bigger head in the photo becomes "more important"

Both of these ill-founded assumptions are erroneous, and for the benefit of all I shall explain the obvious - namely, why it is wrong.

A person's weight does not change at all within the space of a photograph. Even if I flex, and subsequently look absolutely enormous, I still have the same weight. This is because my body mass remains constant. I do not gain or lose weight. The only way to look fatter or skinnier is relative. This means you need to have a photo with fat people to look skinny and vice versa. In the alternate, you can have a photo with tall people to look short, or simply sit on a chair and only have a photo taken from above the torso.

I do know that airbrushing will change the weight of a person in a photo, but the photo itself is a picture - a picture of you at a particular point in time. You look like you. You don't look fat or skinny, you look like you normally do. Thats the point. If you were to suggest that a photo could make one fatter/skinner it would mean that in real life, a person seeing you from side view would see a skinnier/fatter version of you as compared with front-on. This is obviously not true.

There is one way to gain weight - eat a lot of carbohydrates and go to sleep. It works for sumo wrestlers. In the alternate, if you are fortunate enough to have my build you can simply flex, in which case you will look bigger.

To the second point. It does not matter how close to the camera you get, you will not look more important. To suggest that a person who has his face sqaushed against the lense looks more important than another person in a normal photograph is absurd. All it means is you take up more of the screen, and if its a close up shot and you have food in your teeth, that isn't necessarily a good thing.

In short, relying on a photograph to change your appearance is dangerous practice. At worst, people will simply not recognise you, but at best, it provides nothing less than a false sense of comfort about your body image.

- The camera is not a magic mirror and will not tell you who the fairest of all is.

I cannot think of a suitable heading

Initially I was under the impression that this meant I attracted strange people (by virtue of its name). But it does not, and it is true (both this and me attracting strange people




Category VI - The Strange
Attractor

Though you're not quite sure why, people are drawn
to you like moths to a flame. You really
are too cool for words.


What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ken Tham

The widely popular Commerce Tutor Ken Tham has made himself a new website. It has nice music and everthing, and is quite a laugh. Before I write about it, I would like to hear from you so I know what you think. I will then write a review of the site.

Here it is

-hahahahahah

2 months and 500,000 dollars later my uncle returns

My uncle has been freed by the kidnappers after they were paid a negotiated amount at a place in London. He was dropped off at a petrol station near his home in Pakistan.

The kidnappers treated him well. They gave him shaving equipment, good food, clean clothes - but they did not let him leave his room.

As a result, he is having difficulties sleeping. When asked why, he replied: "[translated] I haven't seen the sky in a long time. I just want to sit here and look at it"

Cleaner rort

I badly want to sleep yet I am awake at 1:30am cleaning my room. Why? Because the cleaner is coming tomorrow. Thats not a typo from my tiredness - the CLEANER is coming tomorrow.

Last time the cleaner came she didn't clean my room because it was too messy. I have just done a quick fix solution. There is so much crap under my bed. I miss Mrs G. Where are you Mrs G?

I am so tired I can't even rant.

Goodnight

Nail polish and lip gloss

To say I was befuddled when told that "if you put it on properly people can't actually SEE it" would be a gross misrepresentation of the truth. Lip gloss and clear nail polish are nothing short of a rort and the fact that people still use it shows how stupid they really are.

Whats the point of wearing nailpolish so no one can see it? First of all, it damages your nails - and at the very least turns them yellow. Second, it costs money to put something on that nobody will see. Third, I cannot find any reason on the grounds of health.

There is no good reason to wear clear nail polish. Its about as useful as a melted ice cream on a boat trip. Thats right, it gets tossed into the bushes.

I still fail to understand how someone can be sold an item which doesn't do anything. Its expensive too.

Now to lip gloss. Mrs G has a certain amount of CLEAR lip gloss and, I hate to break it to you, but it does not look any different to when you aren't wearing it. Thats right - it looks exactly the same. I would go so far as to say that nobody except Mrs G wears this clear stuff, and I can say this because I haven't seen it on anyone else.. wait a minute, how can I see it on anyone else when it is meant to be clear? It is meant to look like you aren't wearing any lip gloss.

Now will come the arguments about how its good for your lips. Boohoo. Use vaseline or something similar which is cheap and just as effective. Note that a similar argument can not be made for nail polish.

I have one smart friend, named Jen who does not wear nail polish or lipstick and I recall her renouncing those items as "irrelevant".

-I want to sell people 'oxygen'

Neal Gabler sticks it to fox news again

Foxnews watch, which is fast becoming my favourite show, is seeing commensurate growth in the credibility department. A member of the 5 person panel, one of whom is the chair, Neal Gabler again decided to stick it to the channel.

When the panel was discussing the watergate scandal (of Richard Nixon), they considered the change in the media. All the panelists were saying "well journalists are more investigative now" and "there is so much competition in the media scrutinising politicians".

I was thinking that this must be some sort joke, but then Neal said it had no effect and furthermore, said that with media outlets LIKE FOXNEWS, Rush Limbaugh and the Washington Post, a repulican president will never face the same problems Nixon did. Furthermore, how can the media be investigative if they didn't even notice that the President was leading the country into war based on a lie, or, what can at best be described as a mistake.

I love this guy. Neal, you are an absolute champion. Stick it to them! You are the only reason I watch that show and its good to see that someone in America is on the ball.

-I am pretty happy about this

Girl Code

"Girls have a strict set of guidelines when it comes to relationships. You cannot date a person who another friend liked first and you cannot date a person who a friend has gone out with unless you intend to marry them"
-the suze

I disagreed with the suze on this point, and, I have found many other girls agree with me. I asked two other girls about this alleged girl code, and I found out that what really exists is at best a conflict which arises out of CONSOLING a friend upon the break up of a relationship. The question posed to me was thus: "how can I discharge my obligation to comfort a friend in need if I am going out with her ex-boyfriend?"

That is true, but it turns out it is the only limitation that exists. This formal structure is a farce, and apparently nobody follows it.

The two girls I use for my evidence shall remain anonymous. For the sake of allowing the integrity of my evidence to be checked however, I will insert some clues as to who they may be, for the benefit particularly of the suze.

The first person was A.C. (purely fictitious initials) who I shall call, for the sake of having a name (typing out initials is hard), "annie".

I spoke to "annie" and she said the following:

purple flower says: (4:02:47 PM)
   "I "annie", hereby declare that there is no such thing as a girl code. I, as a girl, am able to make such a statement"

I then spoke to V.F. who I shall call "vivien" for the sake of giving a name to the initial. No, probably best to call her V.Fung. Actually, lets leave it as "vivien".

She told me the following:

STRAWBERRY HEAD says: (4:45:55 PM)
   1. you should withhold from going for someone if another friend seriously likes that person

   2. you shouldn't go out with a person your friend has gone out with within the last 1-2 months

   2( a ) and if their relationship was serious, 2-3 months

   2( b ) and if he broke up with her and she's devastated, if you're a close friend then, out of the conflicting duties and interests, your concern for her well-being should preside until she's over him, at which point you can go out with him

its not so much rules like that, explicit but thats the general gist of it. its not like if theyre broken you exclaim TRAITOR! and never talk to them again, but its just like, you feel like they don't care abt you enough, like you entrusted them w/all your hurt and your pain and theyre still like.. whoo he's cute lets give it a go. it just leads to a loss of trust

I asked her if she agreed with "annie's" comment and she said:

STRAWBERRY HEAD says: (4:57:57 PM)
   mrm I am indifferent

The general vibe is definitely that the code which the suze learned from watching some movie (it's name, alas, eludes me) is just that - a movie - symbolic of nothing more than TV values.

I have always said that no such code exists and if it does, it is highly susceptible to being broken and, if it does exist, there are so many exclusions that it may aswell not be there.

To finish off, I will use a quote from "annie":

purple flower says: (4:03:35 PM)
   like it's just weird

-Thank you. If you are angered and wish to send abusive comments somewhere or even subscribe an email address to porn, direct your attentions towards steve@unsw.edu.au

How Christine can visit Phil and vice versa



-enjoy!

Henry should marry Phuoc

Henry You and "Fred" have had similar successes on the campaign trail to find a woman for themselves. However, on behalf of the Team at Dr G and Comrade Kite I would encourage you to explore the option of marrying Phuoc.

If you marry someone else, at least explore the option of naming your daughter "Phuoc".

- Phuoc is pronounced "fook"

Marcus

Marcus wanted to go out with Grace. In order to do this, he got a mutual friend, named Fran, to organise a movie for the three of them. Fran conveniently got ill just before the movie and hence did not come.

It was a date between Marcus and Grace.

Marcus stuffed it up by bringing his "buy one get one free" movie voucher. He made her pay and took the free ticket. She never went out with him again, and he asked me why.

He then told me this story. I asked him if he thought what he did was wrong, and he said 'but I asked her and she didn't want to take the free ticket? Do you think that I made a mistake?"

Yes, Marcus. Yes.

- I ate something and I have a headache now

The story of Fred

I chose not to write about the chronicles of Marcus today because of a request from Tracy to elaborate on Fred and his women troubles...

Fred has been learning from the Great Dr G since 1998. HIs woes with girls started when he was actually hit on by a girl named Anna Hun. Now, why didn't Fred just take his first chance? It would have saved him future heartache. The reason is simple: he was at a year 10 formal with a friend of his who happens to be a girl (thats my terminology for a girl who is just a friend).

So Fred later found out that he had been hit on. Whatever buzz that created for him, he badly wanted a girlfriend. Badly.

I will write about the major ones since I could not do it at his 21st.

Annie Z

Fred loved this girl called Annie, purely at an aesthetic level. He loved her so much he changed his icq nickname to AZForeva (yes, AZ are her initials) and he spoke to her and her best friend on icq. I could only mock him for his stupidity.

She knew he liked her, her best friend did too and played him like a harp on a windy day - yes he was all over the place. Then came the time we spoke for 3 hours to decipher the following phrase:

Annie's best friend: So you like her eh?
Fred: Yeah, maybe
Annie's best friend: I thought so, oh wells, too bad too bad

THE END

Now, what does that mean? If you are confused time revealed the answer when Fred had the following conversation with Annie:

Fred: Hi
Annie: Hi, who is this?
Fred: Its Fred
Annie: Hi, Fred, how are you?
Fred: Good thanks, and you?
Annie: I am good
Fred: Do you have a boyfriend?
Annie: No...
Fred: I was wondering if you wanted to come to my school formal (year 12) with me?
Annie: What time is it?
Fred: About 7pm
Annie: I am busy on that day, sorry.

Now, this eluded me too, but have you noticed that Annie did not actually know the DAY that the formal was on? Unless she is busy every single day at 7pm for the rest of the year she just rejected him.

Fred was devastated.

Nancy

Fred liked a girl named Nancy. She did not like him, but flirted with him. When he finally asked her out while giving her a lift home, she said she did not like him that way.

He later saw her at a dance party with her new boyfriend. She ignored him and hid behind her boyfriend whenever he came nearby.

Stephanie

Stephanie was a random girl who spoke to Fred online. Being a good friend I decided that I couldn't handle Fred's constant failures and his INEPTITUDE with women. This was 2003, FIVE years later. Fred called Stephanie and everything was progressing well.

However, she did not want to go out with him.

In steps Dr G who called Stephanie and after an hour of talking (begging mainly) she said she would go out with him. This was to be a blind date.

I was so happy. Fred was happy. Stephanie was happy. I thought Fred could not stuff this up, but I was wrong. Fred decided to ask her for a pic. They traded pictures online and all of a sudden Fred stopped replying her messages. Yes, Fred was so superficial that based on an internet photo he decided she was fat and ugly and didn't want to touch her with a ten foot pole. I was dismayed. I then accused him of being superficial among other derogatory names and he agreed with me.

"Sally"

I have written about this below.

Conclusion

Fred is about as smooth as a table cloth on pine bread. I have only written a portion of his many stories - these ones are the key ones that led to a major shift in his attitudes (or mine) at any point in time.

-Help Fred. If you are a girl please comment. If you want to go out with Fred please comment. If you are a guy who looks female please comment.